Burning Sugar

I am not sure what got me started on this odyssey but somehow in my head I decided I was going to make gooey caramel sauce from scratch. It may have been all those amazing posts over at Together Cooking, or maybe I am jealous that Cream Puff is studying to be a chef or maybe it was the tooth breaking pie bottom we served to my in laws. Whatever the reason, when I get a burr up my butt to accomplish something, there is nothing stopping me except the laws of physics maybe, they keep getting rewritten anyway. I think in some endeavors I may have discovered the god particle along the way and dismissed it as insignificant because my original goal had not been obtained (See I am Marwe Post).

Attempt 1: Google recipe, try it to the letter. Pour caramel over ice cream and break a tooth, make appointment with dentist.

Ask Cream Puff: She says you just have to not stir it.Find out there is a wet and dry method for doing this. She gives me a wet method recipe.

Attempt 2: Ask the local baker who attended the CIA. She says yes there is a secret you must use lemon juice, it breaks up the crystallization. This one I burn but it sets up so hard I have to pour boiling water over the pan to free up the meltdown. Seems lemon juice is not the secret after all.

Attempt 3: Google again "what is the secret to gooey caramel sauce". This time I get a dry method recipe. This one works. The god particle will have to wait.

Hanging in There..barely

Here I am shown hanging from a rock at the Garden of the Gods State Park in Colorado Springs Colorado. The devastating forest fires were burning a few miles from this location only days after this picture was taken. I told cream puff not to throw that lit cigarette out the Prius window as we were driving out of town. Just kidding...I still wonder why she carries a lighter through..

I am going to attempt to explain the real reason these fires occurred. The nation is experiencing the driest hottest summer in history due to the effects of global warming. Why do we have global warming, I ask, as I bicycle to work (on a single speed ) getting passed by god damn Lincoln Globalwarminateors. Well we have global warming because of all the rich people driving their SUVs and flying their lear jets and living in their 50,000 sq ft homes and outsourcing there work to China (Which is emitting more CO2 due to lax regulations). ....But there is an easy solution

One can build a home heated by geothermal energy and install solar or wind energy. Use said generated electric power to charge an electric car, buy a Tesla if you need to act all rich and such. Then you would be not be using a single drop of fossil fuel to power you luxurious life. This could be accomplished by the people who can most afford it. Say $15K for the geothermal and another $40K for the solar and the car costs about $10K more than a gas guzzler. Total bill $65K and you get 30% tax rebate and 20% NY State credits. Then you get to save $5K a year forever on your fuel costs. And not put any CO2 into the atmosphere. Do you think the people building $1M homes think about the $65K they could spend to help the planet, nope they think about how big a screen can I fit into my Home Theater room and how many garage bays do I need to fit all my CO2 emitting gas guzzlers (Boat, $100K Sports Car etc). Were not thinking clearly here people...

Is cycling cheaper than driving?

If I asked you if driving a car more or less expensive than riding a bicycle? What would be your answer? A car is more expensive you would say, way more..and you would be wrong. To finish the job of bruising your ego I will present mathematical proof...or perhaps I am providing proof of how big a geek I am. Ether way here goes.

First the easy part.
My car gets 30 mpg, gasoline costs $4 a gallon.
My car costs 7.5 miles per dollar. 

Now the deceiving part
Gasoline contains 31,000 kCal of energy.
I can ride my bike 20 miles and burn about 800 calories
That's the gasoline equivalent of about 775 miles per gallon. Cheap right!

Wrong!
Food costs $0.75 per 200 kCal. Gas is a whopping $0.025 per 200kCal.
So (20 miles/800 kCal) * (200kCal/$0.75) = 6.6 miles per dollar. Less mileage than a car per dollar. See I really am a geek. If you check my math your a bigger geek than me.

5 Hour Energy

Pictured above is Jim Furyk who shamelessly hawks 5 hour energy. Recently Jim was playing in a PGA tournament. He led all four days of the tournament up to the final hole on the final day when he had a 2 shot lead. On that hole Jim made a triple bogey and lost the tournament. What happened? ... my guess is the round took longer than 5 hours.......

Ace is the place...

With the helpful hardware man. So says the radio commercial from a few years back. Well thats why I entered the Ace hardware store today, to be helped. If you are not familiar with hardware stores there are two type. The big box type where getting help in akin to finding the solution to Global warming and the small hometown type where you are immediately accosted upon entry and asked in a demanding may what your purpose is today and if you say I am just looking around you get the there is no way you are going to find what you need, even if you knew what you were doing. So it was, the helpful harware man approached me and said what can I do for you. I held out a 4 inch long 1/2 diameter piece of pipe and the following conversation ensues...
Me: "I am moving my son into his dorm room and we need something the same diameter and relative length of this ( I show him the pipe)".
 Helpful Hardware Man: "We dont have anything".
Me: " Thats funny because its simply 1/2 pipe..nothing in plumbing, Maybe 1/2 dia copper pipe?"
 Helpful Hardware Man: "Well we have some aluminum pipe about 8ft long but you will have to buy the whole piece"
Me: "How much is it?"
Helpful Hardware Man:"Dont know"
Me: "Where is it""
Helpful Hardware Man:" Down that isle take a left its at the end of the row on the left".. He then leaves.

So off I go into the plumbing department where I know for a fact they sell 1/2 inch diameter pipes about 4 to 8 inches long. I find one and take it to another Helpful Hardware Man.

Me: "I am moving my son into his dorm room and we lost this piece and I want to replace it with this piece and could you possibly drill two small holes in it?"

Another Helpful Hardware Man: "We don't have a drill. Sorry"

Now at this point I walk away and buy the little pipe. But what I am thinking its this.

WHAT! YOU DON'T HAVE A DRILL THIS IS A HARDWARE STORE FOR CHRIST SAKE. YOU MUST SERVICE ALL MANNER OF STUFF IN HERE. ITS JUST THAT I NEED YOUR SERVICE FOR MY SON WHO GOES TO THAT COLLEGE UP THE HILL THAT IS THE ONLY REASON THIS LITTLE HARDWARE STORE IN THIS LITTLE TOWN EXISTS CAUSE THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS TOWN BUT THAT COLLEGE. MAYBE YOU COULD RECOGNIZE THAT FACT AND GIVE ME A LITTLE ASSISTANCE. MAYBE YOU HAVE SO MUCH BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THAT COLLEGE THAT YOU ARE SO LAZY YOU DONT NEED TO MAKE ANY MONEY UNLESS THE MERCHANDISE SIMPLY FLYS OFF THE SHELVES AND SELLS ITSELF.

But instead I politely thank the Helpful Hardware man for his assistance.

This is what I am dealing with....

The Red Queen has been getting quite a lot of press lately first she appears in a new Disney Movie then she gets this night shirt which I must say is true and then she wants a Red Queen head cover for her golf club.. Fortunately Disney does not make one but that might not stop her from making one of her own...

Mo Gears Mo Problems

I think the rapper Notorious B.I.G. had it right when he swooned "Mo money Mo Problems" I think the sentiment can be echoed throughout ones life. Make the Face has been commuting on a single speed bicycle this summer. Its just a pile full of giggles to peddle your one speed bike to work. Simplistic satisfying and down to earth. When stopped at the red lights I am even trying to emulate the beatnicks who do T stands effortlessly. I was doing one at the only red light in Honeoye Falls when Mrs Prozac went by and gave the me a drive by shout out (Not to be confused with the kind of drive by BIG got)! I heard through her car window 'Gaaaarrrryyy......." I have even been taking the bus part way. They have these bike racks on the fronts of the buses and for only $1, I can eliminate 13 miles of my single speed commute and still feel like I am doing my part to reduce global warming. That bus is going to drive that route whether I am on it or not. (More on that in a later blog post).

Rapping up the Notorious B.I.G. name. My son had a friend on his ski team who had the nickname B.I.G Now I was confused because there were a couple of guys who were ...lets just say big boned. They could be construed as being called this name but it was actually another kid whos last name was Satorious and the kids came up with Satorious B.I.G. (get it). and thats a Rap.


I like commutin on my single speed
Its better than doing the deed (Not really but I am rhyming here)
I Take the bus some of the time
little B wont always pick me up on a dime
Went from a super Saab to a Raleigh with a single cog
Like my Brooks Leather old school
fits me like a freakin fool
and Alicia Keys rhymes in
I'm in Mendon.....

Huaraches

The Cream Puff, the RQ and I have entered the barefoot running craze. It started when I read the book "Born to Run". A few years later I find myself making sandals Huaraches (wah-rah-cheh ). Today was my inaugural 5K run in these minimalist of minimalist footwear. (RQs been doing it for a few weeks) I feel like a member of the Rarámuri or Tarahumara. The Native American running people featured in the book. I started by trying to cut up an old tire as the book says the Tarahumara did before the Leadville 100. Turns out tires are 3/4 of an inch thick and have steel strands in them. Too heavy too hard to cut and way too thick. Some research yielded better raw materials which I purchased to make them.

These are fantastic, your stride instantly transforms into a natural mid-foot strike, soft high knee form of running which feels utterly natural. Sometimes you hit little painful rocks under your feet and your knee naturally buckles in response to absorb the shock. A bit disconcerting at first but the RQ assures me it becomes second nature after a few runs. You get sensory as well as audible feedback. When I first started running in them it was slap slap slapping along. Oh my I have to make that stop, A few strides later I am gliding along silently. This is how we were born to run! To steal a phrase from the popular book.

Now excuse me I have to go make a pair of Huaraches for the Carrot Chopper.

Portlessman Revealed

This blog has currently been hijacked by one of the ladies over at TogetherCooking...specifically cream puff. Portlessman and I had a lovely time in Colorado and quite an entertaining road trip back to New York. He told you all about the food that he was stuffed with and the exciting adventures that we took. However he left out a few details that need to be shared with his readers.

Our trip back to New York took 28 hours, crossing over two time zones and traveling 1,666 miles. To keep us entertained we celebrated changing time zones and referenced our altitude as we slowly declined back to sea level, all while I tortured him by playing country music. Every time I fell asleep I would wake up to the sounds of NPR and then I would change it back to country. My plan for driving was to drive five hours and then switch off. Portlessmans plan for driving was to drive 1.5 hours, drink 16oz of water and then stop to go to the restroom, do some stretching and then switch drivers. The multiple stops made our trip a little longer than expected however it was worth it because Portlessman would get very cranky if he didn't do his stretches inbetween. Portlessman did not know that I took any of these photos until I showed him around the time we hit Ohio. I wish I could say that I'm making this up...but this is all real.

The Office Referee

In professional sports we have referees to keep everything under control. At the office we have no such luxury. So I have come up with some typical fouls you may see committed at the Office and how a referee would call them. (the names are made up, and any resemblance to actual events is purely intentional)

Crying over spilled milk on "Joe", get over it and concentrate on a forward action plan.

Trying to assess blame on "Earl", become part of the solution not the assessor of the problem

Maintaining the status quo on "Bill", keep it up and we will be out of business in a few years. We can change anything except the laws of physics and even those are open interpretation.

Failure to have any testes on "John",   Grow a pair and make some difficult decisions dammit

Lack of a spine on "Jill", Show some gumption and stand up for what is right

Micro managing on "Sam",  get out of the freaking way and let the professionals do their job

Rectal retention on "Sam" (again),  for this second offense you get a red card and are ejected from the game.

20/20 hindsight on "Tony". Scolding the staff for decisions they made which worked out poorly after the fact accomplishes nothing other than proving you have zero integrity. If your the leader of a project show your staff you have integrity and stand behind every success and failure with them. We are all on the same team.

Setting up road blocks on the IT department the HR department and any other self appointed department not directly associated with getting the product we make out the door. Ask yourself this question everyday. "How can I get myself the hell out of the way of the people trying to design manufacture and sell the products and services this company provides to our customers"

Lack of decision making on "Harold", "No decision does not count as making a decision" Understand nothing will change unless you make one.

I must be off the Demographic profile

My current periodical subscription choices are the The New York Times and Mens Health Magazine. Now you would think I would be the perfect demographic for these publications. Middle aged, affluent, educated, fitness conscious etc. However, when I look at the advertisements in these publications I realize my affluence I must be off the mark. This month Mens Health has an advertisement for a $10,000 watch. What! Who the #$@* needs a $10,000 watch? Oh but it comes with a 5 year warranty, so for  only $2000 a year I can be rest assured I will know the correct time.. What are its other functions, well it is also a stop watch, a chronometer in fancy terms (aka it keeps shorter periods of time). Which for some reason, according to the advertisement,  is very important when piloting a high performance airplane. OK, so I am flying through the air upside down at 200 mph and I am going to want to press a button my wristwatch.

Next up, housing. For only $1.17 million I can have a one bedroom condo in New York City. Oh is that all. How much are they paying people who work in New York City? But it comes with concierge service. Well I cant tell you how many times I wish I had concierge service but I just cant get it. It also comes with a host of other amenities which are all in the building (Health club, spa, lounge etc). Sounds like jail to me, trapped in a $1.17 million dollar apartment. I paid $1.17 M so I can never leave this building except to work at my high paid job which I need to pay for this expensive apartment and my wristwatch.

Weekend with the Chefs

I recently spent a weekend with a group of chefs (also my newest followers in Colorado Springs). What do chefs like to do in their spare time. This isn't the shoe makers kids, they like to cook and they like to eat. In fact they will eat you under the table.

I started my quest arriving for a midnight dinner of smoked pork and homemade slaw: beer pairing PBR. 

I awoke in the morning to fresh scones and zucchini bread. After a quick hike we had lunch at larkburger, best damn burger I ever ate, accompanied by truffle fries.

Dinner was a 5 course feast at the restaurant where cream puff works. Chefs kept coming to my table with delicious courses, the other diners were jealous, but hey when your Cream Puffs father they pull out all the stops. Best dish was the Halibut with deconstructed clam chowder (seen above left).

I returned to my room for a nap before being hauled out of bed to a place called Flattys where I had to refuse the shots and nachos and sip a seltzer to calm my overflowing stomach. 

The next day I did not need to eat until noon, then met up with still more chefs for wood fired pizza followed by the best frozen yogurt I ever ate.

Dinner was delicious Mexican accompanied by a few margaritas. I had to pass on the Jalapeno and Ghost pepper Margareta as it was like drinking liquid fire.

Of course the next day we had to have an enormous brunch with every type of breakfast food available and the opportunity to cover it with gravy and whipped cream ( I passed on both).

After that I needed a 2 hour hike to combat the calorie assault on my body.

The last dinner was more of that delicious pulled pork made into Fajitas paired with a Fat Tire Ale. Bowls of Queso were prepared from imported and domestic cheeses (aka Velveeta).

On the morning of my departure I had to stop the assault, so I cut up some fruit. I was feeling quite self conscious about my knife skills in front of all the professional chefs, but I did manage to hack a cantaloupe into something resembling edible chunks.

Bees swarm around the Red Queen

Excitement ensured in my absence as a swarm of bees decided to take up residence in our basement. The Red Queen spent many hours coaxing the bees out of the basement, trying not to kill any in the process. Unfortunately a  few had to be euthanized, and one unlucky fella found himself trapped in a spiders web and was soon made into a tasty snack. The Red Queen had to use her wedding vale for the first time in 25 years to fashion a make shift bee keepers hat. I blame the presence of the swarm on Mr. ODR as I think it is a rogue off shoot from one of his tribes. In any regard I dont think the Red Queen will take up Mr ODRs hobby any time soon, but luckily the bees decided to move residence before portman got home with the bug spray!

Triple Threat

I had 3 harrowing experiences on my way out here to Colorado Springs.

1) Driving to the airport in heavy traffic a car unexpectedly swerved into our lane and thanks to the cat like reflexes of the Red Queen we were not crashed out of our trip to the airport.

2) Upon landing in Colorado Springs in a severe thunder storm our plane was heaving and rocking. We managed to land (As you can tell we did land because I lived to tell about it). The flight attendant was talking on her cell phone as we walked toward baggage claim and she we saying "That landing was nuts" now I assume that, being a flight attendant, she flies a lot and felt that this landing was especially treacherous.

3) As we descended the above trail we ran by a rattle snake who was telling us he was not happy about our presence by rattling his rattler.

So I have managed to avoid a car crash, a plane crash and a snake bite.  Since bad things come in 3s I assume we are done with danger for now.