Are you Ready for the Stampede?

Are you scared by these 17 Division I athletes. They are posing like they want to hurt you or at least kick your butt in a race, which they can do easily, in their blue underwear (which they refer to as their spankies). I am really not sure why they call them this, you will have to muster your own courage and go ask them and risk getting your butt kicked as I mentioned before. That is our very own Carrot Chopper kneeling down on the left, looking like she wants to hurt you, I know we keep covering the same ground but I am really kind a scared. So don't mess with the Bulls as they compete in the MAC champs on home turf. I am going to be there are you?

Tales from department store dressing rooms

The RQ has been taking me out shopping for clothes lately...My favorite thing..I can race a half ironman triathlon but I cant seem to stay standing up for 5 minutes at the Gap. Our first trip was to K-mart where she was shopping for 'boyfriend shorts'. I dont know who her boyfriend is and why she wants to wear his shorts but she calls the shots as you know. I was standing outside the dressing room at K-mart waiting for her redness to emerge to show me her shorts when a guy comes out wearing the horrendous pants shown above. Now they may look like jeans but they are flannel lounge pant. All the features are screen printed on. The guy had a little gut and was wearing a sleeve less shirt. As he was cinching them up to his gut and asking his female companion what she thought I started to witness this train wreck and just couldn't stop staring. He catches me staring and looks me straight in the eye and says "Are you F...ing kidding me are you gay or something". I guess he thought I was checking him out. He goes back into the dressing room and as he comes out he says to his significant other. Did you see that, that F..ing gay guy was checking me out. As the RQ and I went to the checkout counter she wanted to go into the same line as this guy and I moved her over to another line and hid behind a Vogue magazine so as not to be seen. She asked why we couldn't go in that line and I said I would have to explain later... the telling her I am really secretly gay was the real hard part. Just kidding again...kids if your reading this. Although some people I know do have their suspicions

The next event was when I was shopping for some new pants. All my old pants are way too baggy on me. I went to express and found some nice slim cut pants and took them into the dressing room. The sales lady who opened the door to the room said to me "Oh sir these pants are quite slim fitting  let me get you a looser pair. WHAT!  Hey I work out dammit and I am wearing my skinny jeans. Which does not go a long way to disproving the conclusion of the former paragraph.

This is all true...Cant make this stuff up!

And you thought you had a bad job...

I came home today after being henpecked at work for the billionth time (at one point someone apologized for being picky) I was told by the RQ that one of our dogs had to have its anal gland expressed by the Vet. Now given my job does not involve expelling canine anal glands...makes me feel like my job doesn't suck that bad.. but not by much...I jest of course. I love my job ...boss if your reading this..

In god we trust ... all others bring data

Burning Sugar

I am not sure what got me started on this odyssey but somehow in my head I decided I was going to make gooey caramel sauce from scratch. It may have been all those amazing posts over at Together Cooking, or maybe I am jealous that Cream Puff is studying to be a chef or maybe it was the tooth breaking pie bottom we served to my in laws. Whatever the reason, when I get a burr up my butt to accomplish something, there is nothing stopping me except the laws of physics maybe, they keep getting rewritten anyway. I think in some endeavors I may have discovered the god particle along the way and dismissed it as insignificant because my original goal had not been obtained (See I am Marwe Post).

Attempt 1: Google recipe, try it to the letter. Pour caramel over ice cream and break a tooth, make appointment with dentist.

Ask Cream Puff: She says you just have to not stir it.Find out there is a wet and dry method for doing this. She gives me a wet method recipe.

Attempt 2: Ask the local baker who attended the CIA. She says yes there is a secret you must use lemon juice, it breaks up the crystallization. This one I burn but it sets up so hard I have to pour boiling water over the pan to free up the meltdown. Seems lemon juice is not the secret after all.

Attempt 3: Google again "what is the secret to gooey caramel sauce". This time I get a dry method recipe. This one works. The god particle will have to wait.

Hanging in There..barely

Here I am shown hanging from a rock at the Garden of the Gods State Park in Colorado Springs Colorado. The devastating forest fires were burning a few miles from this location only days after this picture was taken. I told cream puff not to throw that lit cigarette out the Prius window as we were driving out of town. Just kidding...I still wonder why she carries a lighter through..

I am going to attempt to explain the real reason these fires occurred. The nation is experiencing the driest hottest summer in history due to the effects of global warming. Why do we have global warming, I ask, as I bicycle to work (on a single speed ) getting passed by god damn Lincoln Globalwarminateors. Well we have global warming because of all the rich people driving their SUVs and flying their lear jets and living in their 50,000 sq ft homes and outsourcing there work to China (Which is emitting more CO2 due to lax regulations). ....But there is an easy solution

One can build a home heated by geothermal energy and install solar or wind energy. Use said generated electric power to charge an electric car, buy a Tesla if you need to act all rich and such. Then you would be not be using a single drop of fossil fuel to power you luxurious life. This could be accomplished by the people who can most afford it. Say $15K for the geothermal and another $40K for the solar and the car costs about $10K more than a gas guzzler. Total bill $65K and you get 30% tax rebate and 20% NY State credits. Then you get to save $5K a year forever on your fuel costs. And not put any CO2 into the atmosphere. Do you think the people building $1M homes think about the $65K they could spend to help the planet, nope they think about how big a screen can I fit into my Home Theater room and how many garage bays do I need to fit all my CO2 emitting gas guzzlers (Boat, $100K Sports Car etc). Were not thinking clearly here people...

Is cycling cheaper than driving?

If I asked you if driving a car more or less expensive than riding a bicycle? What would be your answer? A car is more expensive you would say, way more..and you would be wrong. To finish the job of bruising your ego I will present mathematical proof...or perhaps I am providing proof of how big a geek I am. Ether way here goes.

First the easy part.
My car gets 30 mpg, gasoline costs $4 a gallon.
My car costs 7.5 miles per dollar. 

Now the deceiving part
Gasoline contains 31,000 kCal of energy.
I can ride my bike 20 miles and burn about 800 calories
That's the gasoline equivalent of about 775 miles per gallon. Cheap right!

Wrong!
Food costs $0.75 per 200 kCal. Gas is a whopping $0.025 per 200kCal.
So (20 miles/800 kCal) * (200kCal/$0.75) = 6.6 miles per dollar. Less mileage than a car per dollar. See I really am a geek. If you check my math your a bigger geek than me.

5 Hour Energy

Pictured above is Jim Furyk who shamelessly hawks 5 hour energy. Recently Jim was playing in a PGA tournament. He led all four days of the tournament up to the final hole on the final day when he had a 2 shot lead. On that hole Jim made a triple bogey and lost the tournament. What happened? ... my guess is the round took longer than 5 hours.......

Ace is the place...

With the helpful hardware man. So says the radio commercial from a few years back. Well thats why I entered the Ace hardware store today, to be helped. If you are not familiar with hardware stores there are two type. The big box type where getting help in akin to finding the solution to Global warming and the small hometown type where you are immediately accosted upon entry and asked in a demanding may what your purpose is today and if you say I am just looking around you get the there is no way you are going to find what you need, even if you knew what you were doing. So it was, the helpful harware man approached me and said what can I do for you. I held out a 4 inch long 1/2 diameter piece of pipe and the following conversation ensues...
Me: "I am moving my son into his dorm room and we need something the same diameter and relative length of this ( I show him the pipe)".
 Helpful Hardware Man: "We dont have anything".
Me: " Thats funny because its simply 1/2 pipe..nothing in plumbing, Maybe 1/2 dia copper pipe?"
 Helpful Hardware Man: "Well we have some aluminum pipe about 8ft long but you will have to buy the whole piece"
Me: "How much is it?"
Helpful Hardware Man:"Dont know"
Me: "Where is it""
Helpful Hardware Man:" Down that isle take a left its at the end of the row on the left".. He then leaves.

So off I go into the plumbing department where I know for a fact they sell 1/2 inch diameter pipes about 4 to 8 inches long. I find one and take it to another Helpful Hardware Man.

Me: "I am moving my son into his dorm room and we lost this piece and I want to replace it with this piece and could you possibly drill two small holes in it?"

Another Helpful Hardware Man: "We don't have a drill. Sorry"

Now at this point I walk away and buy the little pipe. But what I am thinking its this.

WHAT! YOU DON'T HAVE A DRILL THIS IS A HARDWARE STORE FOR CHRIST SAKE. YOU MUST SERVICE ALL MANNER OF STUFF IN HERE. ITS JUST THAT I NEED YOUR SERVICE FOR MY SON WHO GOES TO THAT COLLEGE UP THE HILL THAT IS THE ONLY REASON THIS LITTLE HARDWARE STORE IN THIS LITTLE TOWN EXISTS CAUSE THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS TOWN BUT THAT COLLEGE. MAYBE YOU COULD RECOGNIZE THAT FACT AND GIVE ME A LITTLE ASSISTANCE. MAYBE YOU HAVE SO MUCH BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THAT COLLEGE THAT YOU ARE SO LAZY YOU DONT NEED TO MAKE ANY MONEY UNLESS THE MERCHANDISE SIMPLY FLYS OFF THE SHELVES AND SELLS ITSELF.

But instead I politely thank the Helpful Hardware man for his assistance.

This is what I am dealing with....

The Red Queen has been getting quite a lot of press lately first she appears in a new Disney Movie then she gets this night shirt which I must say is true and then she wants a Red Queen head cover for her golf club.. Fortunately Disney does not make one but that might not stop her from making one of her own...

Mo Gears Mo Problems

I think the rapper Notorious B.I.G. had it right when he swooned "Mo money Mo Problems" I think the sentiment can be echoed throughout ones life. Make the Face has been commuting on a single speed bicycle this summer. Its just a pile full of giggles to peddle your one speed bike to work. Simplistic satisfying and down to earth. When stopped at the red lights I am even trying to emulate the beatnicks who do T stands effortlessly. I was doing one at the only red light in Honeoye Falls when Mrs Prozac went by and gave the me a drive by shout out (Not to be confused with the kind of drive by BIG got)! I heard through her car window 'Gaaaarrrryyy......." I have even been taking the bus part way. They have these bike racks on the fronts of the buses and for only $1, I can eliminate 13 miles of my single speed commute and still feel like I am doing my part to reduce global warming. That bus is going to drive that route whether I am on it or not. (More on that in a later blog post).

Rapping up the Notorious B.I.G. name. My son had a friend on his ski team who had the nickname B.I.G Now I was confused because there were a couple of guys who were ...lets just say big boned. They could be construed as being called this name but it was actually another kid whos last name was Satorious and the kids came up with Satorious B.I.G. (get it). and thats a Rap.


I like commutin on my single speed
Its better than doing the deed (Not really but I am rhyming here)
I Take the bus some of the time
little B wont always pick me up on a dime
Went from a super Saab to a Raleigh with a single cog
Like my Brooks Leather old school
fits me like a freakin fool
and Alicia Keys rhymes in
I'm in Mendon.....

Huaraches

The Cream Puff, the RQ and I have entered the barefoot running craze. It started when I read the book "Born to Run". A few years later I find myself making sandals Huaraches (wah-rah-cheh ). Today was my inaugural 5K run in these minimalist of minimalist footwear. (RQs been doing it for a few weeks) I feel like a member of the Rarámuri or Tarahumara. The Native American running people featured in the book. I started by trying to cut up an old tire as the book says the Tarahumara did before the Leadville 100. Turns out tires are 3/4 of an inch thick and have steel strands in them. Too heavy too hard to cut and way too thick. Some research yielded better raw materials which I purchased to make them.

These are fantastic, your stride instantly transforms into a natural mid-foot strike, soft high knee form of running which feels utterly natural. Sometimes you hit little painful rocks under your feet and your knee naturally buckles in response to absorb the shock. A bit disconcerting at first but the RQ assures me it becomes second nature after a few runs. You get sensory as well as audible feedback. When I first started running in them it was slap slap slapping along. Oh my I have to make that stop, A few strides later I am gliding along silently. This is how we were born to run! To steal a phrase from the popular book.

Now excuse me I have to go make a pair of Huaraches for the Carrot Chopper.

Portlessman Revealed

This blog has currently been hijacked by one of the ladies over at TogetherCooking...specifically cream puff. Portlessman and I had a lovely time in Colorado and quite an entertaining road trip back to New York. He told you all about the food that he was stuffed with and the exciting adventures that we took. However he left out a few details that need to be shared with his readers.

Our trip back to New York took 28 hours, crossing over two time zones and traveling 1,666 miles. To keep us entertained we celebrated changing time zones and referenced our altitude as we slowly declined back to sea level, all while I tortured him by playing country music. Every time I fell asleep I would wake up to the sounds of NPR and then I would change it back to country. My plan for driving was to drive five hours and then switch off. Portlessmans plan for driving was to drive 1.5 hours, drink 16oz of water and then stop to go to the restroom, do some stretching and then switch drivers. The multiple stops made our trip a little longer than expected however it was worth it because Portlessman would get very cranky if he didn't do his stretches inbetween. Portlessman did not know that I took any of these photos until I showed him around the time we hit Ohio. I wish I could say that I'm making this up...but this is all real.

The Office Referee

In professional sports we have referees to keep everything under control. At the office we have no such luxury. So I have come up with some typical fouls you may see committed at the Office and how a referee would call them. (the names are made up, and any resemblance to actual events is purely intentional)

Crying over spilled milk on "Joe", get over it and concentrate on a forward action plan.

Trying to assess blame on "Earl", become part of the solution not the assessor of the problem

Maintaining the status quo on "Bill", keep it up and we will be out of business in a few years. We can change anything except the laws of physics and even those are open interpretation.

Failure to have any testes on "John",   Grow a pair and make some difficult decisions dammit

Lack of a spine on "Jill", Show some gumption and stand up for what is right

Micro managing on "Sam",  get out of the freaking way and let the professionals do their job

Rectal retention on "Sam" (again),  for this second offense you get a red card and are ejected from the game.

20/20 hindsight on "Tony". Scolding the staff for decisions they made which worked out poorly after the fact accomplishes nothing other than proving you have zero integrity. If your the leader of a project show your staff you have integrity and stand behind every success and failure with them. We are all on the same team.

Setting up road blocks on the IT department the HR department and any other self appointed department not directly associated with getting the product we make out the door. Ask yourself this question everyday. "How can I get myself the hell out of the way of the people trying to design manufacture and sell the products and services this company provides to our customers"

Lack of decision making on "Harold", "No decision does not count as making a decision" Understand nothing will change unless you make one.