Buttery Sticks Celebrates Early....but not too Early

Here I am in my starting position

These are my teammates in their starting poses

Here I am at the 400 meter mark comfortably leading the race

Checking to make sure I can get out the champagne

Time to call my girl friend in Buffalo

Look at the pain on the face of that guy behind me

Thats a face full of celebration

The Tamper Damper

One of the variables you must keep constant when making espresso is the force of your tamp. 30 lbs of force is the established norm. When someone told me about this I was skeptical that the force of the tamp makes a difference. They told me to practice on a bathroom scale. There was no way the RQ was going to let me bring a bathroom scale in the kitchen...and I quote.."What! You are going to put a thing where people put their stinky feet on the kitchen counter...If you bring a bathroom scale in the kitchen its off with your ..." I knew she was serious when she didn't say "head" but  mentioned a different body part.

So I had to think fast..really fast. So desperation is the mother of invention. I designed and built the above tamper damper. Its a simple spring scale that bottoms out when you reach 30lbs of tamp force. Its simple good looking and gets the job done..like Portman! and its never allowed in the bathroom.

Red Queen and Portman go Bottomless

Scroll down for the photos. You must be at least 18 years old to view this content. By scrolling down you are verifying your age.

Portafilter that is... Sorry to dampen your excitement.What were you expecting. I am logging how fast each of you scrolled down by the way.

In the quest for perfect Espresso drinks we have been experimenting with a portafilter with no bottom. Notice the little streamers coming out of the filter. Thats 130 psi of pressure out of control! Perfect Crema in everycup.

Espresso Yourself

Some of the first shots. Lookin a little low on the right.

A few months ago the Portman tried to revive his 10 year old Espresso machine to no avail. Craving that rich smooth flavor of good espresso he started on a journey, little did he know it would be a long difficult road to coffee bliss. Staring with Starbucks, they make terrible espresso. Then we visited the local coffee establishments staffed by hipsters. Good coffee but not quite to the RQs preference. So Portman consulted the only true source of misinformation "The Internet". Watching coffee making videos non-stop around the clock for days, Portman and the RQ decided to invest in "Prosumer" coffee gear. The gear arrived and it was a disaster from the start. Causing extreme marital discourse between P< and RQ. Somehow we can deal with getting me through Chemo without a fight but making espresso caused a shouting match. After hours, and I mean hours on the phone with tech support and e-mailing the designer of the coffee maker we discern the problem is with our grinder. So we order a new grinder. $320 later and more emailing the manufacturer P< decides a different grinder is in order. The old one is exchanged and a new one arrives on Christmas eve. It used to be  P< couldn't wait for Christmas morning to play with his toys, now he cant wait to grind his coffee. Christmas morning a very excited P< managed to coax 3 cups of coffee out of the new grinder, after grinding through 3/4 lb of coffee. After family gift exchanges P< tries to make a second cup of coffee and realized the new grinder is in fact defective.With smoke literally pouring out of Portmans ears and more yelling with the RQ it is a relief when we find the grinder will be replaced by the manufacturer. So we are still awaiting out 4th grinder and have yet to achieve espresso bliss but stay tuned. Thankfully a gift of a MokaPot from CreamPuff saved Christmas day.

MokaPot nectar

Portman Enjoying the BUZZ

Have you seen Naked Portman

The kids left town and so did Naked Portman. The Red Queen is looking for him. If you see him please call Portman or the RQ immediately. Do not approach as his member is very long and you don't want it touching you.

Did you know your tax dollars are fueling McDonalds corporate profit?

 

From Mark Bittmans Blog:
Bittman Blog
The fast food Tax on America

The U.C. Berkeley Labor Center estimates that low fast food wages cost taxpayers $7 billion per year in public assistance, because workers are not able to meet their basic needs. (Interestingly enough, McDonald’s $1.5 billion third-quarter profits are quite close to the $1.2 billion taxpayers are paying each year for public assistance to the McDonald’s workforce.) Meanwhile: An operator at a McDonald’s hotline called McResources advised an employee inquiring about how to make ends meet on a fast food wage to try food pantries, federal food stamps and Medicaid.

The ma and paparazzi

 Just when you think its safe to exit the port-o-let, you hear the sickening clicking of the camera shutter, once again the paparazzi has caught your exit from your post race dump.

When you have not seen your girlfriend in months and all you want to do is a little canoodling, you hear the whir of the auto focus and the click click click of the fast action shutter capturing your kisses forever.

And then you know your moments will be uploaded to Google and youtube and soon your affections will be all across the internet being liked on Facebook and Twitter (wait thats only 140 characters not pictures, see next blog post).

But you can rest assured that when your old and grey you can go back and cherish those moments and say "look how much hair I had when I was young"

A MaPaparazzi caught in action off the coast of Lehigh

The Oracle

Some say Billionaires split their time between losing golf balls and losing sail boat races. While Mr Ellison above, Owner of Oracle software and a bastion to bad grooming if nothing else, was busy winning the Americas cup,

 
 I was struggling to file an expense report because my computers Java (An Oracle product) was out of date.

After a bit of noodling and refusing to install the ask toolbar and MacAfee anti virus I managed to get my Java updated.  If Java was a sail boat I bet it would work better.

In case you have not heard, the Americas cup was won by Mr Ellisions check book, I mean team, after a stunning comeback after being down 8 sailboat races to one. How did the team achieve such a stunning comeback? Did they adopt some new brilliant strategy, did they dig deep and muster more courage or strength or will? No. They made the boat faster. Who makes boats faster? Engineer do. They also make cars more fuel efficient and safer, design better medical devices so we can be healthier, come up with green energy solutions so we don't cook our planet etc. So please Mr Ellison can I have a version of Java that does not get in my way and need to be continually updated, given you just won the Americas cup, that should not be too hard should it?

To the mattresses

Tiger Woods is currently suffering from a sore back. I read that he blamed it on a too soft hotel mattress. I would expect him to have people who go around previewing his accommodations and checking for such details as the firmness of the surface on which his Tigerness sleeps. Heck I bet there is someone who has a force gauge to test this stuff for him to make sure he gets a good nights rest before he embarks on his important duties of winning golf tournaments.

I dont think the mattress was the culprit.

Tigers former wife Elin Nordegren is 5' 11 ' and weighs 120 lbs

His new squeeze Lindsey Vonn is 5' 11' and tips the scales at 180 lbs. 5 pounds heavier than Portman. Shes a downhill skier. Force equals mass times acceleration.

So he traded his little Swedish model for a big American Muscle Car and he wonders why he has a sore back. I'm just sayin....

Chamois Butt'r

If your a cyclist, you know how to rub the above product on your loins before riding to prevent chafing. It really works well. It is also the reason why cyclists don't shake hands before a ride. This stuff is very greasy and does not absorb well. I know this because sometimes after Portman comes home from a hard ride he is suffering from gastrointestinal distress and needs to use the facilities quickly. When the red queen next uses the facilities she slides off the seat and its off with Portmans head yet again.

Thats some expensive real estate..location..location..location

I got Lil Bs tuition Bill and felt the need to ship my pants. His rent is $1000 a month. He shares an apartment with 5 other guys. That's $6000 a month. What will $6000 a month get you in San Antonio?

Have I got a house for you. (Especially if you are a corporate executive relocating to San Antonio, or 6 college student overpaying for tuition and housing). This rental costs $6,000 a month and is in the Elm Creek subdivision.

It has five bedrooms, three bathrooms, three half-bathrooms, game room with wet bar, a study, a pool, hot tub, outdoor kitchen and a chef’s kitchen. The master suite has a fireplace, sitting area, exercise area and a spa bath.

The decorating is a bit Gaudy. Enjoy the pool boys..oh by the way it only has 5 bedrooms so two of you have to share..The sacrifices we make for education.

Biceps Impossible

That's me with Chef Robert Irvine (actually its a cardboard cutout). Robert has a show on the Food network named Restaurant Impossible. He is also the celebrity spokesperson for Cream Puffs employer. Here we are trying to decide who has the bigger biceps, me or Robert..I think he been juicing..and I have been spending a lot of time on the bike lately so give me a break.

My new favortite athlete

That's Blanka Vlasic Croatian high jumper. Blanka is 6'4" tall! She only gives up 4 inches on Lebron James..and she can jump over him.. This tall drink of water with the name like a pickle has an Olympic silver medal and has won gold three times at the World Championships.

I knew Gary Player was short but this is ridiculous.

Carrot Chopper Goes Skydiving