Some more new iDevices

Not long after I posted about the useless distractions of the i series products from that computer company named after fruit, we discover their evil ways of manufacturing such devices for cheap. Not only are the devices ruining our society, the way they manufacture them does so as well. So I came up with some more i devices to amuse you.

The iMadeaFortuneExploitingChineseLabor
The iDidntKnowThisandWillMakeitRight - I see this a lot, from many different companies
The iCantManufactureintheUStherereNotEnoughEngineersHere - Quoted by Steve J... Bull Sh..
Right now I am not making a face but a hand gesture.

The iDistraction

I just finished the biography of a very fascinating person. He invented some consumer devices which made him rich, famous and known as one of the most influential people of our time. Unfortunately, as I see it, the fruits of his labor have actually caused more harm than good.

The first product the "iBankrupter" causes the user to go bankrupt 99 cents at a time. It also causes the user to lose complete hearing function.

The next device the "iDistractor" causes the following symptoms in the user

1) Temporary but complete loss of function of one hand.
2) Temporary partial loss of function of the other hand
3) Causes the user to not look where they are walking and run into people
4) User will stop walking unexpectedly, unknowingly blocking pedestrian traffic
5) User will stare at the device for hours on end ignoring all people within the vicinity
6) User will crash car due to unexpected and unavoidable urge to use the device
7) Once owned by the user the device become a part of them and must be within 4 feet of them at all times.

The final device is the "iTimeWaster". No one knew they needed one of these until they came out and now they are so desired that the version that they had to have 6 months ago, now will just not do and causes the consumer to wait all night in line to fork over $600 for the newest model because "Its screen in sharper".
The iTimeWaster is a device that the user will stare at doing things they can already do in other ways but in a manner so portable it supplants ordinary conversation for a bunch of people sitting around staring at screens.

So if you are addicted to any of these devices there should be a way to get clean.
You know, they need an App for that!

Turning the world on its head

Suppose the financial model of the music industry worked like this. The artists are employed by record companies who also owned all the record stores (or iTunes store). The artists wrote produced and performed music for a flat salary. After the songs were written they became the sole property of the record companies and the artists could be fired or have their salary reduced at the whim of the record companies. It was illegal for the artists to bring their songs to other record companies and for other record companies to hire artists or use their current catalog at the new company. The sales clerks in the record stores were paid salaries higher than artists and are given bonus incentives to sell the artists work. The executives of the record companies are paid salaries 384 times higher than the artists. Ludicrous you say....

Well this is the model that business follows every day. The artists are the engineers, scientists and inventors and the record companies are the corporations. If an engineer uses his or her creative talents to develop an award winning product which results in 500 Million dollars a year sales. He or she will receive no royalties for the results of their work. For the resulting patents, that engineer will receive $1 in compensation. That's per patent mind you so it not quite so bad.

The less you know about some things... the better

When I was a young college intern at General Motors I used to play tennis with a group of guys after work. After tennis we would sit on my friends back porch and he would bring us frosty glasses of draft beer from the keg in his garage. Seemed great, life was good. Then one day I wanted another beer and I volunteered to get it myself. I grabbed a fresh glass from the freezer and poured myself a cold one. I asked him what to do with my used glass and he said to put it on the towel on top of the fridge. I figured he washed them later. Then one day as I was leaving, I saw him put the used glasses on the towel directly back into the freezer.

I can apply this metaphor to many situations I have encountered in life. You are fat dumb and happy until you realize your drinking frozen backwash swill from dozens of other people.

So what have I learned..... As the saying on the best beer I have ever tasted goes.. Drink from the Can!

No Impact man tries to go greener..or browner...

Full Disclosure....I was practicing the technique featured in the above video.
That was until the Red Queen asked me what the hell was the deal with those sh--t rags in the bathroom, then she yelled "Off with his head" and now I am back to toilet paper.

No Impact Man

I have been ruined for life! Why you ask....

Well I read this book entitled 'No Impact Man'. There is an accompanying documentary which you can watch on Netflix. But the book is way better than the movie. Find it at your local library as to have the minimum impact. 

http://noimpactproject.org/

But back to the original question of why I have been ruined. The book follows a man who attempts to live for one year and make zero garbage (no landfill impact), produce zero carbon emissions (Do you know what they call a pile of horse manure in the road? that's called an Amish Carbon Footprint). and buy only local produce and goods. He even goes so far as to not buy anything new. The guy ends up drinking spoiled milk and living in the dark but that's his dilemma, now here is mine.....

When you combine a person trying to be more socially responsible (worried about the impacts we are making to global warming, Arab oil, Chinese goods, landfills, pollution, water usage etc.) with a warped engineering mind that is always trying to optimize everything, with a person with limited funds and resources and what do you get.....You get me. How you ask...let me give you an example.

I was riding my bike to work to try to save some money on gas...when one day I almost passed out on the way home. A quick calculation showed I was burning an extra 2000 calories a day to cycle the 50 miles round trip. So I started buying an extra sandwich. Well that costs about $6. So another quick calculation and I find out riding your bike costs twice as much as driving your car when you factor in the food you need to fuel your body. Per mile traveled, food is 3 times more expensive than gas . So bag the biking too expensive. So in this analysis I discover it costs 0.34 cents per car mile traveled. That's everything for the life of the car. So now I am doing these freaking calculations in my head every time I do anything, should I pay the extra $2.00 ATM fee, well yes I should if the drive to my own banks ATM is more than 5 miles out of my way. Ridiculous I know. But you would really be surprised at the results you get when you do the math. Cheapest way to heat your house....Electricity. Can you believe it. I cant even put saran wrap around a vegetable without weighing the impact it will have on my checkbook and the environment. Is it better to put it in tupperware? I told you I am ruined....My friend just recommended I watch a movie about people who dumpster dive for their food. Its called "Dive". So you can look for my feet sticking up from the dumpster at that W place...oh wait ..they sell stuff in the store which is way past its due date..I shall be dumpster diving at Trader Joes!

How to Make the Posse

 Everyone needs a posse. here is mine

Psychologist

 

Savory Chef (Its a wonder I don't weigh 300 lbs)

Pastry Chef. (If she lived at home full time I would weigh 300 lbs)

Bike Guru, muse, fellow lover of Bitter Ales.

You got to love a guy in a stocking cap and a leather apron.

Uh, er ,uh....he helps me keep it real.

Mixed Up Martial Arts Trainers.

Fruitshi Chef.

Make the Faces Manhood Quiz

Take the following quiz and see how you measure up, so to speak (no, its not what you’re thinking)

Question 1: Sit in a chair, look down at your midsection, what do you see?

a)      Your belt buckle. +100 points

b)      Your lap and no belt buckle. 0 points

c)      Your Stomach and no lap – 100 points

d)      A hand stuffed into a pair of elastic waistband slacks.- 1000 points

Question 2:  What did you do last Sunday?

a)      Cooked your wife/girlfriend/significant other dinner. + 100 points

b)      Let your spouse have a slice of the pizza you ordered yourself.  0 points

c)      Watched Football at home and told your spouse to order you a pizza. -100 points

d)      Watched football at a sports bar with your mates. -1000 points

Question 3: What do you drive?

a)      < 200 hp sedan, minivan or wagon. +100 points

b)      > 200 hp sedan. 0 points

c)      Sports Car. -100 points

d)      An expensive powerful sports car. -1000 points

Question 4: What statement would your lover most likely say after sex?

a)      I almost lost consciousness. +100 points

b)      Are you done yet? 0 points

c)      Oh, your done already? – 100 points

d)      I think the ceiling needs painting. – 1000 points

Bonus question: Stroke your face. What do you feel

a)      Smooth or slight stubble. +100 points

b)      Full Beard. Zero points

c)      A bushy unruly mustache covering your entire upper lip. -100 point

d)     Beard without a Mustache.  -1000 points

Here is the rating scale

500 – Super Man

400 – Extraordinary Man

300 – Ordinary Man

200 – Your a complete loser

< 100 – Get your hand out of your pants, learn how to cook, stop overcompensating, Think about baseball,  and It was a good look for Abe Lincoln and no one else?

Let me show you how to make the face

There must be a reason this blog is named How to Make the Face.
Here I am sprinting toward the finish at the 2011 Race with Grace on Thanksgiving day.

Carrott Chopper and I participated in this race. It was my first 10K in several years.
I wish I had a copy of the finish line video, they showed it in the church after the race.
I am shown finishing then mouthing what appear to be swear words as I agonize in pain. I swear I was not however, swearing that is. I indeed was in a lot of pain. And thats how you make the face!

Meet the Inlaws

Well not yet anyway. Our kids have been dating for so long..... and we know each other so well...It just seems that way. I shall introduce them from left to right

VO2Max - Resides in Colorado.. Writes for a blog that you must have a Vo2Max > 70 to read Faster Skier.Thinks biking up a mountain with cross country skis on your back then going skiing then biking back down is a light training day.

Mrs Prozac - In such a great mood so much of the time this writer believes she is secretly on Prozac or the inspiration for it.

Mr ODR - If the sun rises this Saturday morning you can be assured Mr ODR went on a 12 + mile run at 5 am with his running club "The Oven Door Runners". Mr ODR is also into a new hobby "Bee Keeping". See this post. Honey Spectator.

Buttery Sticks -Needs no introduction. Dates Carrot Chopper, fiercely allergic to dairy, Got Wart remover for Christmas. The buttery drip

Public Service Announcement: If you want to get a tweet when a new post comes up can follow me on Twitter @gdenton1

Free Media PC

Well there was free bike now we have free PC. It all started with me wanted to hook up an old Dell to the TV downstairs to get netflix. That attempt failed when I needed a new power supply. Pot Roast gave me his old gaming motherboard which sat in my house to 4 months but it would not fit in any case I had. I wanted to build the thing but I promised myself I would spend zero dollars on it so I had to get creative, patient and lucky not to mention tenacious. I collected a bunch of parts from friends a scrap bin and an amazing array of stuff I had around the house which I forgot I had. This PC streams HD quality video to my big screen TV. You Tube, Hulu, Crackle (Seinfeld episodes). Vs. for the tour. Who needs cable when you have a free PC.
 Here is the entire low down as to how free PC came to be.I estimate it would be around $2000 with all new components.
1) Motherboard, memory, Video card from Pot Roast
2) Power supply and DVD from scrap bins at PC recycling place
3) Case from a good friend . I was over his house and saw he had one of the SilverStone cases that I was Jonseing over and I asked him about it and he said he had another one which he would give me for free.
4) Hard drive pulled out of an old USB backup drive. Sorry RQ your thesis backup has gone poof
5) Lithium battery for mother board from my Timex heart rate monitor. I suppose I had to replace this but they come cheap ($1 each) in a pack of 7 from Battery Bob.com.
6) USB cable extension from a box of cables in the basement
7) Video cable to TV from computer monitor in Cream Puffs room. I suppose she will want this back at some time.
8) Memory stick from an old Dell
9) CD drive from old Dell. Poor old Dell it has be raped pillaged and plundered
10) Windows 7 license from Carrot Chopper. I had to pay her $20 to get the student discount. Shhh dont tell microsoft. I suppose its not free now however but since I already had it and was not using it I think it counts.
12) Wireless key board and mouse from Pot Roast. These were in use on an old computer and I replaced them with USB models I had lying around.
13) A boatload of effort in loading the operating system, components and calibrating the LCD. Probably 40 hour of work to build it. My time is free however.

The NFL Style Guide

As much of a detractor of the NFL I am (Why is this the only sport televised on Sunday, cant we have some Football too, and by football I mean soccer). Its hard to like a sport which features 5 seconds of action followed by 5 minutes of reviewing and re-reviewing the play to see if the guys knee was down. Flip a coin and get on with it already! But I can guarantee, on Monday morning  people will be endlessly talking in the break room about whether the guys knee was down.

I have been enjoying some of the styles being sported on the field these days.

How about these tattoos. I think we are about all out of real estate here.Oh maybe we could wedge some initials in there somewhere.

Apparently if you need to make some room in your payroll you can get some homeless guys to play for you.

Hair out the helmet is pretty popular these days. Extra style points if it is knotted or braided.  Do these guys go up a helmet size for the doo.

It really blows nicely when you run fast too.

If someone can tell the purpose of  those arm bands please do. I have racked my brain and I cant find any reason on gods green earth to wear those things (unless of course your elbows get really sweaty)

Heres another homeless guy. Lately he has been playing like one too.

And Its

Off with his head! Not 24 hours after penning the rule set, I broke 8 of them, and the queen spoke. See her comment at the end of the previous post.

Things that make the Red Queen yell "Off with his head!"

Well the Red Queen and I have been empty nesters for a few months now and instead of all bliss and naked rooms we have a new dynamic developing.  That is the dynamic of Port'<'Man (that's me!) annoying the hell out of her heinous. So I developed a top 10 list of things that make the Red Queen want to yell "off with his head".

1.  Any of a host of things that start with her saying "There's a smell.."

2.  Any of Port'<'Mans hair strands found in the house which are not immediately attached to his body at the present time.

3. Fanning the covers when entering the bed at night i.e. letting in cold air into her warm cocoon

4. Same idea as above, Waving a cold body part in the general vicinity of  her.

5. This one can be summarized by the advice "Never Sit on anything while naked". Ruins the naked room doesn't it.


6. Sullying the glass cooking surface on our GE range. If you even look at that thing cross eyed it gets messy.



7. Leaving a stain on anything. I wont elaborate, but you can use your imagination here!


8. Lets face it, used workout clothes stink and P'<'Man makes a lot of them. The RQ and P'<' have a well developed system of processing these clothes. However occasionally a garment finds it way into the wrong receptacle and its, you guessed it. Its  "Off with his head!"

9. Blowing air anywhere near her auditory receptors.

10. For this one she just says "You have breath..."

and a bonus one

11. P'<'Man sitting on the couch and placing his grasping agents in and around areas usually reserved for his under garments. After which event takes place, the offending objects are now regarded as equivalent to being radioactive or infected and must be cleansed with soap  and water (or better yet acetone) and a scrub brush before they can touch any surface in the house again.