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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I couldn't make this stuff up. I swear its all True

Lets review the weekend. Carrot Chopper came home after, true to her name, chopping off someone’s limb and proceeded to eat every avocado in sight as well as every nut, twig, berry, grain, fruit, vegetable or generally salady or grainy item, left my cupboards bear and did it all while standing up, including chopping off the limb.

Pot Roast eco drag raced a dude in an identical black Golf TDI. For those of you not familiar with eco drag racing it goes like this. You pull up to someone at a light in a car suitably matched to yours, say a Prius vs a Prius. Then you point to the person and finger wave in an intimidating manner. You both then shut off your engines and roll down your windows. You say “How much you getting” and you exchange gas mileages. The high number wins. Roast won the race, by the way, but we think he was coasting on the down hills.

The puff of cream came home with a knife collection to rival Jack the Rippers. We all were awed by the fact the every single item including the thermometer was etched with the CIA logo. I thought they would be more secretive than that.

Stick of Butter witnessed Portcullies massively bone headed move of karate kicking the China cabinet and smashing a glass picture frame to bits. I am really surprised the Red Queen didn’t jump up and chop off my head but chopper just handed me the dust pan instead.

Pot roast fashioned an Eastern European Check valve to fix the broken water system, during the repair the sump pump decided to let go and blow up in a plume of smoke. This garnered that ultimate male bonding ritual of a trip to Home Depot and a lightening of my incredibly generous fathers wallet by $200 bucks.

John Mayer showed up and played Lil Puffs grad party. Fabulous Stuff.

Lil B graduated from high school and we all started counting the days till his mess is out of my...I mean he leaves for college. And the naked room is only month away folks!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A meaty issue

Whats the difference between a rock band and a jazz band. A rock band plays 3 chords for 1000 people and a jazz band plays 1000 chords for 3 people. No kidding, my wife and I literally sat and watched a local jazz band play an entire set at a local restaurant. The only audience members were my wife and I. At least the line for autographs at the end of the show was short.

Watch this video.
It has a whopping 69 views. Hopefully more after yall have watched it. This woman is talented with a capital "T". She graduated from the Eastman school of music here in Rochester.

The tart above has one video with 388,123,734 views.
You throw some tenderloin over your loins and your miss popularity. Work your ass off at your craft for years and you get 69 views. The world is backward. So go out and support some local Jazz and ignore that stupid tart who shops for her clothes in the freezer section at Tops. Besides I know "The Chopper of Carrots" is pissed about that dress.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Sometimes I realize stuff thats just too good not to point out. Like this. My daughter, the puff of cream, is now in college studying to be a pastry chef, in other words how to make people fat. My other daughter, the chopper of carrots, is in college studying to be a nutritionist and exercise scientist. In other words how to make people skinny. And my wife, the queen of red, is in college studying psychology and writing a thesis on eating disorders, in other words how to help people who think they are fat but really are skinny.  And finally, in a few months, my son, the brother little, will be in college studying Mechanical Engineering, In other words how to....well who knows what the heck engineers are doing anyway! To exemplify, if you dont see the irony in any of this, then go out and buy this months copy of Race Car Engineering and read about a guy who thinks he is famous but is really not.