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Friday, June 29, 2012

The Office Referee

In professional sports we have referees to keep everything under control. At the office we have no such luxury. So I have come up with some typical fouls you may see committed at the Office and how a referee would call them. (the names are made up, and any resemblance to actual events is purely intentional)

Crying over spilled milk on "Joe", get over it and concentrate on a forward action plan.

Trying to assess blame on "Earl", become part of the solution not the assessor of the problem

Maintaining the status quo on "Bill", keep it up and we will be out of business in a few years. We can change anything except the laws of physics and even those are open interpretation.

Failure to have any testes on "John",   Grow a pair and make some difficult decisions dammit

Lack of a spine on "Jill", Show some gumption and stand up for what is right

Micro managing on "Sam",  get out of the freaking way and let the professionals do their job

Rectal retention on "Sam" (again),  for this second offense you get a red card and are ejected from the game.

20/20 hindsight on "Tony". Scolding the staff for decisions they made which worked out poorly after the fact accomplishes nothing other than proving you have zero integrity. If your the leader of a project show your staff you have integrity and stand behind every success and failure with them. We are all on the same team.

Setting up road blocks on the IT department the HR department and any other self appointed department not directly associated with getting the product we make out the door. Ask yourself this question everyday. "How can I get myself the hell out of the way of the people trying to design manufacture and sell the products and services this company provides to our customers"

Lack of decision making on "Harold", "No decision does not count as making a decision" Understand nothing will change unless you make one.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I must be off the Demographic profile

My current periodical subscription choices are the The New York Times and Mens Health Magazine. Now you would think I would be the perfect demographic for these publications. Middle aged, affluent, educated, fitness conscious etc. However, when I look at the advertisements in these publications I realize my affluence I must be off the mark. This month Mens Health has an advertisement for a $10,000 watch. What! Who the #$@* needs a $10,000 watch? Oh but it comes with a 5 year warranty, so for  only $2000 a year I can be rest assured I will know the correct time.. What are its other functions, well it is also a stop watch, a chronometer in fancy terms (aka it keeps shorter periods of time). Which for some reason, according to the advertisement,  is very important when piloting a high performance airplane. OK, so I am flying through the air upside down at 200 mph and I am going to want to press a button my wristwatch.

Next up, housing. For only $1.17 million I can have a one bedroom condo in New York City. Oh is that all. How much are they paying people who work in New York City? But it comes with concierge service. Well I cant tell you how many times I wish I had concierge service but I just cant get it. It also comes with a host of other amenities which are all in the building (Health club, spa, lounge etc). Sounds like jail to me, trapped in a $1.17 million dollar apartment. I paid $1.17 M so I can never leave this building except to work at my high paid job which I need to pay for this expensive apartment and my wristwatch.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Weekend with the Chefs

I recently spent a weekend with a group of chefs (also my newest followers in Colorado Springs). What do chefs like to do in their spare time. This isn't the shoe makers kids, they like to cook and they like to eat. In fact they will eat you under the table.

I started my quest arriving for a midnight dinner of smoked pork and homemade slaw: beer pairing PBR. 

I awoke in the morning to fresh scones and zucchini bread. After a quick hike we had lunch at larkburger, best damn burger I ever ate, accompanied by truffle fries.

Dinner was a 5 course feast at the restaurant where cream puff works. Chefs kept coming to my table with delicious courses, the other diners were jealous, but hey when your Cream Puffs father they pull out all the stops. Best dish was the Halibut with deconstructed clam chowder (seen above left).

I returned to my room for a nap before being hauled out of bed to a place called Flattys where I had to refuse the shots and nachos and sip a seltzer to calm my overflowing stomach. 

The next day I did not need to eat until noon, then met up with still more chefs for wood fired pizza followed by the best frozen yogurt I ever ate.

Dinner was delicious Mexican accompanied by a few margaritas. I had to pass on the Jalapeno and Ghost pepper Margareta as it was like drinking liquid fire.

Of course the next day we had to have an enormous brunch with every type of breakfast food available and the opportunity to cover it with gravy and whipped cream ( I passed on both).

After that I needed a 2 hour hike to combat the calorie assault on my body.

The last dinner was more of that delicious pulled pork made into Fajitas paired with a Fat Tire Ale. Bowls of Queso were prepared from imported and domestic cheeses (aka Velveeta).

On the morning of my departure I had to stop the assault, so I cut up some fruit. I was feeling quite self conscious about my knife skills in front of all the professional chefs, but I did manage to hack a cantaloupe into something resembling edible chunks.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Bees swarm around the Red Queen

Excitement ensured in my absence as a swarm of bees decided to take up residence in our basement. The Red Queen spent many hours coaxing the bees out of the basement, trying not to kill any in the process. Unfortunately a  few had to be euthanized, and one unlucky fella found himself trapped in a spiders web and was soon made into a tasty snack. The Red Queen had to use her wedding vale for the first time in 25 years to fashion a make shift bee keepers hat. I blame the presence of the swarm on Mr. ODR as I think it is a rogue off shoot from one of his tribes. In any regard I dont think the Red Queen will take up Mr ODRs hobby any time soon, but luckily the bees decided to move residence before portman got home with the bug spray!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Triple Threat

I had 3 harrowing experiences on my way out here to Colorado Springs.

1) Driving to the airport in heavy traffic a car unexpectedly swerved into our lane and thanks to the cat like reflexes of the Red Queen we were not crashed out of our trip to the airport.

2) Upon landing in Colorado Springs in a severe thunder storm our plane was heaving and rocking. We managed to land (As you can tell we did land because I lived to tell about it). The flight attendant was talking on her cell phone as we walked toward baggage claim and she we saying "That landing was nuts" now I assume that, being a flight attendant, she flies a lot and felt that this landing was especially treacherous.

3) As we descended the above trail we ran by a rattle snake who was telling us he was not happy about our presence by rattling his rattler.

So I have managed to avoid a car crash, a plane crash and a snake bite.  Since bad things come in 3s I assume we are done with danger for now.