Espresso Yourself

Some of the first shots. Lookin a little low on the right.

A few months ago the Portman tried to revive his 10 year old Espresso machine to no avail. Craving that rich smooth flavor of good espresso he started on a journey, little did he know it would be a long difficult road to coffee bliss. Staring with Starbucks, they make terrible espresso. Then we visited the local coffee establishments staffed by hipsters. Good coffee but not quite to the RQs preference. So Portman consulted the only true source of misinformation "The Internet". Watching coffee making videos non-stop around the clock for days, Portman and the RQ decided to invest in "Prosumer" coffee gear. The gear arrived and it was a disaster from the start. Causing extreme marital discourse between P< and RQ. Somehow we can deal with getting me through Chemo without a fight but making espresso caused a shouting match. After hours, and I mean hours on the phone with tech support and e-mailing the designer of the coffee maker we discern the problem is with our grinder. So we order a new grinder. $320 later and more emailing the manufacturer P< decides a different grinder is in order. The old one is exchanged and a new one arrives on Christmas eve. It used to be  P< couldn't wait for Christmas morning to play with his toys, now he cant wait to grind his coffee. Christmas morning a very excited P< managed to coax 3 cups of coffee out of the new grinder, after grinding through 3/4 lb of coffee. After family gift exchanges P< tries to make a second cup of coffee and realized the new grinder is in fact defective.With smoke literally pouring out of Portmans ears and more yelling with the RQ it is a relief when we find the grinder will be replaced by the manufacturer. So we are still awaiting out 4th grinder and have yet to achieve espresso bliss but stay tuned. Thankfully a gift of a MokaPot from CreamPuff saved Christmas day.

MokaPot nectar

Portman Enjoying the BUZZ

Have you seen Naked Portman

The kids left town and so did Naked Portman. The Red Queen is looking for him. If you see him please call Portman or the RQ immediately. Do not approach as his member is very long and you don't want it touching you.

Did you know your tax dollars are fueling McDonalds corporate profit?

 

From Mark Bittmans Blog:
Bittman Blog
The fast food Tax on America

The U.C. Berkeley Labor Center estimates that low fast food wages cost taxpayers $7 billion per year in public assistance, because workers are not able to meet their basic needs. (Interestingly enough, McDonald’s $1.5 billion third-quarter profits are quite close to the $1.2 billion taxpayers are paying each year for public assistance to the McDonald’s workforce.) Meanwhile: An operator at a McDonald’s hotline called McResources advised an employee inquiring about how to make ends meet on a fast food wage to try food pantries, federal food stamps and Medicaid.

The ma and paparazzi

 Just when you think its safe to exit the port-o-let, you hear the sickening clicking of the camera shutter, once again the paparazzi has caught your exit from your post race dump.

When you have not seen your girlfriend in months and all you want to do is a little canoodling, you hear the whir of the auto focus and the click click click of the fast action shutter capturing your kisses forever.

And then you know your moments will be uploaded to Google and youtube and soon your affections will be all across the internet being liked on Facebook and Twitter (wait thats only 140 characters not pictures, see next blog post).

But you can rest assured that when your old and grey you can go back and cherish those moments and say "look how much hair I had when I was young"

A MaPaparazzi caught in action off the coast of Lehigh

The Oracle

Some say Billionaires split their time between losing golf balls and losing sail boat races. While Mr Ellison above, Owner of Oracle software and a bastion to bad grooming if nothing else, was busy winning the Americas cup,

 
 I was struggling to file an expense report because my computers Java (An Oracle product) was out of date.

After a bit of noodling and refusing to install the ask toolbar and MacAfee anti virus I managed to get my Java updated.  If Java was a sail boat I bet it would work better.

In case you have not heard, the Americas cup was won by Mr Ellisions check book, I mean team, after a stunning comeback after being down 8 sailboat races to one. How did the team achieve such a stunning comeback? Did they adopt some new brilliant strategy, did they dig deep and muster more courage or strength or will? No. They made the boat faster. Who makes boats faster? Engineer do. They also make cars more fuel efficient and safer, design better medical devices so we can be healthier, come up with green energy solutions so we don't cook our planet etc. So please Mr Ellison can I have a version of Java that does not get in my way and need to be continually updated, given you just won the Americas cup, that should not be too hard should it?

To the mattresses

Tiger Woods is currently suffering from a sore back. I read that he blamed it on a too soft hotel mattress. I would expect him to have people who go around previewing his accommodations and checking for such details as the firmness of the surface on which his Tigerness sleeps. Heck I bet there is someone who has a force gauge to test this stuff for him to make sure he gets a good nights rest before he embarks on his important duties of winning golf tournaments.

I dont think the mattress was the culprit.

Tigers former wife Elin Nordegren is 5' 11 ' and weighs 120 lbs

His new squeeze Lindsey Vonn is 5' 11' and tips the scales at 180 lbs. 5 pounds heavier than Portman. Shes a downhill skier. Force equals mass times acceleration.

So he traded his little Swedish model for a big American Muscle Car and he wonders why he has a sore back. I'm just sayin....

Chamois Butt'r

If your a cyclist, you know how to rub the above product on your loins before riding to prevent chafing. It really works well. It is also the reason why cyclists don't shake hands before a ride. This stuff is very greasy and does not absorb well. I know this because sometimes after Portman comes home from a hard ride he is suffering from gastrointestinal distress and needs to use the facilities quickly. When the red queen next uses the facilities she slides off the seat and its off with Portmans head yet again.

Thats some expensive real estate..location..location..location

I got Lil Bs tuition Bill and felt the need to ship my pants. His rent is $1000 a month. He shares an apartment with 5 other guys. That's $6000 a month. What will $6000 a month get you in San Antonio?

Have I got a house for you. (Especially if you are a corporate executive relocating to San Antonio, or 6 college student overpaying for tuition and housing). This rental costs $6,000 a month and is in the Elm Creek subdivision.

It has five bedrooms, three bathrooms, three half-bathrooms, game room with wet bar, a study, a pool, hot tub, outdoor kitchen and a chef’s kitchen. The master suite has a fireplace, sitting area, exercise area and a spa bath.

The decorating is a bit Gaudy. Enjoy the pool boys..oh by the way it only has 5 bedrooms so two of you have to share..The sacrifices we make for education.

Biceps Impossible

That's me with Chef Robert Irvine (actually its a cardboard cutout). Robert has a show on the Food network named Restaurant Impossible. He is also the celebrity spokesperson for Cream Puffs employer. Here we are trying to decide who has the bigger biceps, me or Robert..I think he been juicing..and I have been spending a lot of time on the bike lately so give me a break.

My new favortite athlete

That's Blanka Vlasic Croatian high jumper. Blanka is 6'4" tall! She only gives up 4 inches on Lebron James..and she can jump over him.. This tall drink of water with the name like a pickle has an Olympic silver medal and has won gold three times at the World Championships.

I knew Gary Player was short but this is ridiculous.

Carrot Chopper Goes Skydiving

A blond a brunette and a redhead in a 59' Cadillac..The rarest of achievements

I am not sure which part of this picture I cant believe. The perfectly restored '59 Cadillac or the fact that there are three beautiful women in the front seat. Each with a different hair color. How does this happen? 

Notice the Red Queen holding her own with women 15 years younger. Portman is a very lucky man indeed..very lucky. 

The guy in the driver seat is Reggie Bell, one of my college professors. To commemorate his 50 consecutive years of teaching at GMI they gave him the same model car he drove onto campus 50 years ago. Estimated cost of this restored beauty is $120,000. All I know is 25 years from now if GMI wants to honor me and give me the same car I drove onto campus when I started there, that would be a 1980 Honda Civic. I don't think three beautiful women would be throwing themselves into the front seat of that thing.

I am the real deal...

I dont just play air guittar..I play real guitar (although not very well..but I can play along with DMB on the into to Two Step).

I dont just wear an Iron Man watch..I actually do Iron Mans (Well half Irons Mans.. but I have done 3 so that counts as 1 1/2 Iron Mans! + 1 Iron Mangan which is harder)

I dont watch ESPN... I have been on ESPN. (It was my 5 minutes OK)

I dont brag about hitting 300 yard drives I actually hit them. (I suppose this is bragging however.)

I dont just watch MMA fighting...What  do you think I am crazy..Thats how bones get broken.

You are exquisite..if I may say so

I was at the Mazda/Porsche dealer looking at Mazdas with my daughter and I wandered over on the Porsche side of the showroom and stuck my head into the above vehicle. A salesman quickly snuck up behind me and whispered in my ear "You have exquisite taste".

My immediate internal response was "Yuck".  I don't have an exquisite bank account, so buying the above method of transportation is completely out of the question for me forever. However, it got me thinking. Are people who can afford these cars so insecure they need to be constantly reminded of their status...and for the issue of exquisite taste, I guess anyone with enough cash in their wallet can have exquisite taste.. it only requires the ability to write a check.

But...I couldn't be stuck there mumbling ..so I started quizzing him about the paddle shifters and the gearbox, "Does it have a double clutch..how about a torque converter...how do the paddle shifters work. This stumped him, but he said he could look it up. I must have scared him, because he rushed off. People interested in the technical aspects of these cars must not actually buy them.

I do not approve of this message...PM

Muddy Sneaker

Today, I did a 20K off road half marathon called the Muddy Sneaker...and as you can see by the photo above, the race name does not disappoint.

 I usually always say this after my most recent race but this was one of the hardest races I have ever done.

The distance is really a poor indicator of the difficulty of the race, It took me 2 hours and 23 minutes to complete. The last 2 miles feature 800ft of elevation gain. That's an average of 8% grade on a rocky rooty trail for the last 2 miles of a half marathon. There are stream crossings, terrain that goes straight up, rocks, roots, mud so deep your entire foot sinks in. To top it off there was 40 degrees temperatures and 20 mph winds. It even started to snow at the higher elevations. One downhill was so steep and long my quads started to give out. The last 2 miles of the uphill I literally had to walk most of it. I would start running and my heart rate would peg at its maximum and my legs would literally stop moving. So it was back to the walk. Somehow, I managed to run the last 640 meters.
 
I did the race with Carrot Chopper as my pacer and motivator. CC was running so far under her capacity that she would stop to go the the restroom, I would keep running and she would catch up.

So I am left sore...exhausted.. Red Queen Less (She is at a seminar today)..in gastric distress ( I will leave out the details) and my sneakers are dirty. Cant wait to do it again next year!

Top 10 Reasons for Buttery Stick to Spend the Summer in Rochester

10. Latte with Jason
9. Dryer Road, Mendon Ponds, High Tor
8. Learn guitar at Denton's with complimentary dinners and unlimited purple drank
7. Time with your brother from another mother
6. VO2 Max is sick of you anyway
5. Parrish hill is almost as steep as Mags
4. They must have a bike shop here you can work in
3. Invitation to all expense paid getaway to Lake Placid with the RQ, Lil'B, and CC. Don't forget the incomparable Portman!
2. Save on rent, food, airfare (aka mooch off mom and dad; Matt can mooch too!)

and the #1 reason for Butter Stick to spend the summer in Rochester...

Your girlfriend says you will.

After further review...

Augusta National golf club has entered the record books for longest period of time taken in the video review booth. They called a penalty on Tiger Woods, the next day. Their first ruling was no penalty, then they decided they better sleep on it, interview him, and after his testimony they decided to call a penalty. Talk about your late whistles. Oh and by the way doesn't Tiger know his constitutional right about not incriminating yourself. I would be like "hey guys.. you saw the tape.. you were standing there.. you tell me.. I just swing the club.  Here is my suggestion for the golf rules book. Once a player assesses his situation, calls his own penalty and plays the next shot, thats it. No more penalties can be called. Heres a penalty for you..

Using too much Hairspray on the Augusta National Rules Committee...Lather rinse and repeat..

Portman is gaining weight

Cream Puff and the RQ have been doing a pretty good job of stuffing Portman with food lately. Portman is getting fat and he has a 20K trail run to complete in soon. I cant wait till Carrot Chopper gets home and puts us on the Vegan Diet plan so I can lose some of this excess lamb from my frame.

It was getting pretty thin...

This is the old brake pad from my Saab. I only had about 1mm of wear surface left. Good thing the guy at AutoZone sold me those new pads! In an update to my previous post the two of us have become friends on facebook.

Welcome to AutoZone...would you like fries with that?

Yesterday  I stopped by my local auto parts dealer for a set of brake pads. Should be pretty simple right. Whats the year make and model of your car here are your parts that will be XX$ please Done right. WRONG!

First the sales guy asks me if I have aluminum wheels, then he asks if I get brake dust build up. Turns out there are 3 levels of brake pad for my car, first the cheapos (called so because they discourage you from buying them, then the upgraded then the gold ones. Apparently I needed the gold ones because he sounded real convincing.  Job done, you talked me up to the best model. Not enough for the sales guy, "Hey when was the last time you changed your rotors, "They are fine I assure him". He looks skeptical. Then he starts in on the front brakes, "You change those lately?" Then he tells me they have a special on oil and I better get it now or its going to be off sale soon and he does not want me to miss out on the sale. Hey dude your not working on commission are you? Or did you just feel like a chat? Then he tells me I better get some extra brake lube, "You don't want to run out in the middle of the job now?" When paying for the brakes I take out my wallet and he asks me "Where do you get a wallet like that and how much do they cost", It was a gift I tell him. I am sure you can find one on the internet where you may also be able to find some friends to talk to.

Portman vs Portman

Reverses stance on gay marriage          Reverses stance on Wegmans
Son wears earrings                              Son wears earrings
Senator from Ohio                               Born in Ohio
Son has crush on David Beckham      Son has crush on Alex Morgan
Son is Gay                             Portman has been accused of being Metro Sexual

Where do you keep your pepperoni?

When the Red Queen wants a pepperoni pizza she better get one or its off with Portmans you know what..(not that silly..his head) Last Sunday Portman offered to make the RQ a pizza with pepperoni we have had in our fridge. The RQ scoffed and said our pepperoni was 6 months old and cant be any good by now. But the ever frugal Portman rebuffed that pepperoni must last forever because they keep it at room temperature at the grocery store. No way yelled the RQ and it was off the the local market for Portless. The above picture message back the the Red Queen led to nothing but trouble for Portman and he headed over to local pizza shop.

Epilogue

The managers at the our local grocery store were not very happy about Portman dragging the pepperoni display over to the toilet paper isle. Portman is now banned from shopping at his local grocery. Portman is running out of places to shop.

Technology...

I hate technology. The Red Queen and Cream Puff were treated to a laugh festival as Portman worked from home yesterday. He started on a video conference call yelling into the computer "Hey can anyone hear me. This is Gary in Rochester. Anyone at all. HELLO...." No one could hear me because my computer microphone was not set up correctly.

My work did not go well either, with my programs plagued by bugs, which gets Portman very frustrated. Time to take a break and hook up that new flat screen and audio system. Well I could not get the sound to work so after 3 failed attempts to get the company Tech support on the phone (I used my cell phone for that call) I finally reached someone in India who spoke with such a thick accent I could not understand them. I managed to understand enough words to get the sound working, but I put the cell phone back in my pocket without hanging up, because about an hour later I hear this noise from my pocket.  I take out the phone and say hello and he says "Sir.. did you get it working yet?". Well there goes 80 prime cell phone minutes down the drain... and people are still calling me sir!

So I go to fix my computer microphone and the setup tells you to speak a specific phrase into the computer, "Peter piper picked a pepper ..." So the RQ and CP are laughing hysterically at me as I shout this into my computer.

I think tomorrow I will chop some wood or dig a ditch, anything that does not require a computer a cell phone or talking to someone in India.

Ski Terre Haute

A thrilling 700 ft vertical drop over a 2 mile run!

Boom Boom ...

The following message showed up in my gmail! No I don't want to chat! Although I am intrigued!

Te'o Explained

1) A dude pretending to be a chick starts an online affair with another dude.

2) Despite never having met this chick (I mean dude) in person, the second dude falls in love with her (I mean him).

3) Realizing he has gone too far, the first dude ends the relationship by faking the fake chics death

4) Even when the second dude finds out he has been dupped, he continues to pretend that the whole fake affair was real.

So what we have here is one dude faking a fake relationship with another dude who ends up faking he was never faked in the first place, get it!

As you would expect the whole affair garners a huge amount of national media attention due to the importance of this matter.

Going Postal

I am as pissed off at the old Lance as anyone, but watching the 60 minutes episode last Sunday I have to question the emphasis Travis Tygart placed on Lance defrauding the Federal Government and the American Taxpayers out of $10 million dollars, which he received in sponsorship from the Postal Service. 

Now lets put this in a little perspective, the annual budget for the postal service is $70,000 million dollars!  That's 70 billion with a B dollars. We all should be appalled that Lance wasted 0.014% of the Postal services revenue. I bet its costing us more to prosecute him than he "defrauded" us of in the first place. And lets examine this word "defraud", he wore the friggin jersey and people bought more stamps! Should the postal service now return 0.014% of the postage I paid when Lance was riding for the Postal Service Team because it was a sham.

Its funny that in the same episode of 60 minutes President Barack Obama said someone somewhere inside the federal government is screwing up right now. Probably wasting $10 million dollars of the taxpayer money everyday. Should Travis Tygart go search them out and prosecute them? All I know is he better return the few fractions of pennies Lance owes me.

Happy New Year Photo Shoot

I usually pick one photo for our holiday /new years family card. However this year, one particular family member who will remain named Carrot Chopper decided to ham it up and strike a few poses for the camera. So I posted the entire shoot because its so hilarious. Click on the photos and blow em up they are funny.

We need to rethink our priorities...

When we spend New Years Eve at a sausage fest instead of with our beautiful girl friends...Speaking of sausage fests, the guy on the far left may want to close up shop a little.