Disrobing Guide for Princesses

In case you have not been reading your supermarket tabloids I will catch you up. Some photographer snagged a long distance shot of princess Kate bearing parts of her body that normally don't get much sun, if you know what I mean. Now if I were the royal advisor I would issue the following memo to Kate.

To: The Dutchess of Cambridge
cc: The Duke of Cambridge and all other royals
From: The Royal Advisor
Subject: Bearing of the Royal Jewels


 Princess, in the future if you happen to get an urge to drop your trousers due to a terrible case of swamp ass or itchy butt or whatever, look up, if you see daylight, stop, lest risk bearing your muffin to all the tabloids and the world. You must know by now you have a lens pointed at you 24 hours of the day 7 days a week from every conceivable angle. This eliminates the following activities from your repertoire , how ever much you enjoyed them in the past

1) Nude sunbathing
2) The aforementioned bearing of private items in sunlight
3) Peeing outside
4) Nose picking (This was already covered this in the royal orientation)
5) Itching any area of your body where the sun usually does not shine
etc, you get the idea.

I know you enjoy reading the make the face blog and Portman engages in all these activities but that does not mean you can do them too.


Regards,

 The Royal Advisor

Are you Ready for the Stampede?

Are you scared by these 17 Division I athletes. They are posing like they want to hurt you or at least kick your butt in a race, which they can do easily, in their blue underwear (which they refer to as their spankies). I am really not sure why they call them this, you will have to muster your own courage and go ask them and risk getting your butt kicked as I mentioned before. That is our very own Carrot Chopper kneeling down on the left, looking like she wants to hurt you, I know we keep covering the same ground but I am really kind a scared. So don't mess with the Bulls as they compete in the MAC champs on home turf. I am going to be there are you?

Tales from department store dressing rooms

The RQ has been taking me out shopping for clothes lately...My favorite thing..I can race a half ironman triathlon but I cant seem to stay standing up for 5 minutes at the Gap. Our first trip was to K-mart where she was shopping for 'boyfriend shorts'. I dont know who her boyfriend is and why she wants to wear his shorts but she calls the shots as you know. I was standing outside the dressing room at K-mart waiting for her redness to emerge to show me her shorts when a guy comes out wearing the horrendous pants shown above. Now they may look like jeans but they are flannel lounge pant. All the features are screen printed on. The guy had a little gut and was wearing a sleeve less shirt. As he was cinching them up to his gut and asking his female companion what she thought I started to witness this train wreck and just couldn't stop staring. He catches me staring and looks me straight in the eye and says "Are you F...ing kidding me are you gay or something". I guess he thought I was checking him out. He goes back into the dressing room and as he comes out he says to his significant other. Did you see that, that F..ing gay guy was checking me out. As the RQ and I went to the checkout counter she wanted to go into the same line as this guy and I moved her over to another line and hid behind a Vogue magazine so as not to be seen. She asked why we couldn't go in that line and I said I would have to explain later... the telling her I am really secretly gay was the real hard part. Just kidding again...kids if your reading this. Although some people I know do have their suspicions

The next event was when I was shopping for some new pants. All my old pants are way too baggy on me. I went to express and found some nice slim cut pants and took them into the dressing room. The sales lady who opened the door to the room said to me "Oh sir these pants are quite slim fitting  let me get you a looser pair. WHAT!  Hey I work out dammit and I am wearing my skinny jeans. Which does not go a long way to disproving the conclusion of the former paragraph.

This is all true...Cant make this stuff up!

And you thought you had a bad job...

I came home today after being henpecked at work for the billionth time (at one point someone apologized for being picky) I was told by the RQ that one of our dogs had to have its anal gland expressed by the Vet. Now given my job does not involve expelling canine anal glands...makes me feel like my job doesn't suck that bad.. but not by much...I jest of course. I love my job ...boss if your reading this..

In god we trust ... all others bring data