Tales from department store dressing rooms

The RQ has been taking me out shopping for clothes lately...My favorite thing..I can race a half ironman triathlon but I cant seem to stay standing up for 5 minutes at the Gap. Our first trip was to K-mart where she was shopping for 'boyfriend shorts'. I dont know who her boyfriend is and why she wants to wear his shorts but she calls the shots as you know. I was standing outside the dressing room at K-mart waiting for her redness to emerge to show me her shorts when a guy comes out wearing the horrendous pants shown above. Now they may look like jeans but they are flannel lounge pant. All the features are screen printed on. The guy had a little gut and was wearing a sleeve less shirt. As he was cinching them up to his gut and asking his female companion what she thought I started to witness this train wreck and just couldn't stop staring. He catches me staring and looks me straight in the eye and says "Are you F...ing kidding me are you gay or something". I guess he thought I was checking him out. He goes back into the dressing room and as he comes out he says to his significant other. Did you see that, that F..ing gay guy was checking me out. As the RQ and I went to the checkout counter she wanted to go into the same line as this guy and I moved her over to another line and hid behind a Vogue magazine so as not to be seen. She asked why we couldn't go in that line and I said I would have to explain later... the telling her I am really secretly gay was the real hard part. Just kidding again...kids if your reading this. Although some people I know do have their suspicions

The next event was when I was shopping for some new pants. All my old pants are way too baggy on me. I went to express and found some nice slim cut pants and took them into the dressing room. The sales lady who opened the door to the room said to me "Oh sir these pants are quite slim fitting  let me get you a looser pair. WHAT!  Hey I work out dammit and I am wearing my skinny jeans. Which does not go a long way to disproving the conclusion of the former paragraph.

This is all true...Cant make this stuff up!