Jordon Spieths Caddy better be careful

He is starting to look like the homeless guy Happy Gilmore turned into his caddy.
The resemblance is uncanny.

With the $2.15 million he made this year he can buy a lot of disposable razor blades.

Crap..I did it again

This time I was only playing tennis. Snapped the Achilles, made a loud popping sound. My tennis partner was nice enough to pick me up off the court and drive me to the ER. I kid you not when I showed up all they asked was my name and date of birth and told me to take a seat.  No insurance card no other information. "We have everything on file" they said. I wonder if they have a frequent flyer program?

GPS palooza

When Portman gets into a project. He really gets into a project. A desire to integrate an old Garmin GPS into an old car started an Odyssey worthy of an engineer who doesn't get his hands on stuff anymore but sits in meetings listening to Yentas Kibitz.  This post is going to require a judaic dictionary I am afraid.

The task at hand was to fix the annoying tendency of my GPS suction cup mount to come unconnected from the windshield at the worst possible moment and to eliminate the obtrusive power cord from sullying the usual sleek appearance of my simulated (ie plastic) walnut dash.

A few YouTube videos later I had my idea.

Voila. A completely integrated semi permanent GPS mount with the wiring hidden behind the dash. It detaches easily and turns on and off automatically with the car ignition. Cost $10. I had to consult the internet for how to disassemble the dashboard. Its very simple but requires inside knowledge of a secret place you press on the dash and utter a secret phrase such as arrrggghhh while you exert incredible force on your dashboard until just when you think you are going to break the thing in two it relents and separates itself from the connected part.

Then I remembered the GPS came with lifetime maps. Onto the computer. I connected the thing and a few downloads and Garmin help sites later and I have the latest maps stored on the GPS.

But wait..there's more. While searching for how to update the GPS I found a web site with street maps available for free. Garmin charges $79 for the things. I have a bike GPS which has non detailed maps and I wanted to update it and wouldn't you believe there is an organization which produces bike specific GPS maps which they will build for you. A few giga bytes of downloaded data later and I have detailed maps on my bike GPS for, you guessed it, free.

But why stop there. I also found a free app for my smartphone which has GPS maps which do not require a data connection. Perfect for that trip to Denali National Park where GPS service is non existent.  I will be hiking right past those iPhone sissys as they search for a data connection  and wonder why they cant find their way off the tour bus.

So now I have a GPS in my car on my bike and in my pocket. The only way I can get lost is in my own thoughts as the Yentas drone on.....

DIY

Thats Do it Yourself, for those of you accustomed to repairing things with the Universal Tool (A credit Card).  I think it fair to say if it leaks, stinks, squeaks or sticks Portman gets busy. 

Leaks: Recently the connection to my hot water heater was dripping slowly. This is akin to Chinese water torture for Portman. A few trips to home depot and $20 in the swear jar later and its fixed! 

My outside faucet has been dripping for 18 years (since I bought the house). Despite the drip being no worse, Somehow, just recently it became imperative I get it fixed. I bought the replacement valve 15 years ago and never installed it. Hardest part of the job was getting over the procrastination. 

Stinks: My kitchen and bathroom faucets started emitting a foul odor when first run after about a day of non-use. After 4 months of fiddling with the water treatment system it turned out the problem was in the feed lines right at the faucet. The fix was to soak the hose in a Chlorine solution. Who knew! The fix for Portman still cannot be found.

Squeaks: My prize road bike started developing this creaking noise when pedaling hard. After replacing the chain, the bottom bracket and re-greasing and torquing every bolt I could find... The problem was in two tiny screws which hold the derailleur hanger on. They were loose. It took no more than a quarter of a wrench turn and about 2 minutes to finally fix. I needed the new chain and Bottom Bracket anyway..  Little B has been racking up the miles lately. As for Donald he has been racking up with miles with his lips!

Leaks

 

 

 

Stinks

 

 

Squeaks (or makes annoying noises constantly)

It been a long time

Its been a long time since I have made the face. Six years removed from my last triathlon I returned to making the face last weekend. As you can see I have not lost the art of grimacing in competition.

Pleasantville (revisted)

The RQ and I recently spent some time visiting a bedroom community south of Salt Lake City. The surrounding were idyllic, beautiful and pristine. Although walking around you get the feeling this is like Disney World with all the fun sucked out of it. This would be a great place to live until some guys wearing full face helmets in a little smart car pulled up next to you and gave you a quick injection to make you comply. We walked for 5 miles around the development and could not find a weed in a garden, a personal belonging on a porch or a nome in a yard. You get the feeling there is an even longer list of rules about your yard, what little there is of it. This is the polar opposite to some of the neighbor hoods in the finger lake region, who's properties seem to be in a perennial state of yard sale.

Long list of rules above. Who's making up these rules?

Man made river is 2 feet deep but its the looks that count.

 Not sure what these docks are for if no boats are allowed.

 Restrooms require a code for entry. If your from off the reservation I guess you just piss on the roses below. I read no rule about pissing on the roses.

Its all man made and the water is pumped and the the lawns are watered for your enjoyment.

Were Sorry

I have taken up a new hobby of Telemark skiing. Since I want to be as safe as possible I wanted releasable telemark bindings in the unlikely event I may fall. Turns out only one manufacture in the world makes such a device. The only place I could find them was in France. I was a little apprehensive about ordering something over the internet from Europe, paying in Euros and having it shipped from France. My apprehensions were unfounded. The company immediately shipped the bindings and it took 2 days to get them to Rochester. Then it took DHL 3 days to get them from the Rochester Airport to my house. What tripped them up was the shipper in France put Honeoye vs Honeoye Falls on the outside of the package (the zip code was correct). Never the less the delivery guy felt obliged to get in the face of and lecture the Red Queen on using the correct address. Like she has some control over this. Furious,  I called DHL customer service and they said quote "Were Sorry". When I pressed them about what they were going to do about it, they just said they are going to tell me "were sorry". That is not sufficient  I said, I want you to reprimand the delivery guy, refund my shipping Euros and offer me a free trip to Hawaii on the next cargo jet out of Rochester..and call me with a report on the resulting shame bestowed upon the Rochester DHL staff. The customer service person proceeded to tell me that they could not make outgoing calls from the service center.. and once again they were sorry. "Off with their heads"

Three Fifty Eight Low

This time they got the spelling right

As avid followers of this blog you will know, Buttery Sticks has been featured frequently in blog posts. Its not that we are biased in any way, but he has just created the most interesting and funny moments in our lives that we just have to celebrate them by making them public. Passing out in our kitchen Buttery Drip, inventor of the famous "Purple Drank", Winning the Ivy League indoor mile championship Face Full of Celebration, getting 'chicked' at his first pro 5K Buttery Sticks Gets Chicked (Portman took a beating from Mrs P for that post. Once again we apologize). Having his name mispelled You Made it to the Bigs.  Well, The Stick has done it again. Running his first sub 4 mile at the BU Valentine Invite. He not only beat 4 minutes, but shattered it by 1.75 seconds. Running what was referred to by Lil B as "a three fifty eight low". This makes him one of only 439 Americans to ever accomplish the sub 4 mile.  History of US sub four minute milers. Pretty rarefied air.  Great Job Buttery Sticks! Now go get some purple drank so you don't pass out again.
 
How to Make The Face would like to congratulate Carrot Chopper for her Oscar nomination of best director in the category "Best animated short featuring a flatulent clothespin" for "Portman the Movie". We wish her luck on Sunday.

You made it to the Bigs

You finally made it to the Big Time!  You have been dreaming about this your whole life. The anticipation is palpable...and they misspell your name.

These guys are good

This guy hits it a mile...

This guy has a case full of trophies..

This guy has magic wands in his bag

...and this guy goes to strip clubs, gets falling down drunk, is picked up off the street by homeless people, then lies about it!

Coming in 2015...

Download video here

Are you Roasted?

Finished Product

I recently discovered that some religions don't allow their followers to drink coffee. In my world, coffee is the religion. In an attempt to make himself more hip Portman has taken to wearing skinny jeans, commuting on a single speed bike and roasting his own coffee as well as playing his Fender through a tube amp. However, a few developments have ensued. The RQ has since banned Portman from wearing the skinny jeans due to visible outlines of certain (and will be unmentioned ) appendages. The winter weather has curtailed the bicycle commuting and the Guitar is actually being played through a computer simulated tube amp. However, the coffee roasting is for real.

Most of my friends have greeted this announcement with the following sentiment "Are you crazy?" Although the answer is a definitive yes, roasting coffee is actually very easy. It takes about 10 minutes to roast a half pound, the finished coffee costs less than half of good pre-roasted beans and the flavor and freshness are unmatched. So what are you waiting for ..lets get roasting!

Roasting Chamber Repurposed Whirlypop popcorn popper

Only the finest single Origin will do

Lifes goals updated

Martial Arts: I have been training with a boxing coach, among other things I learned how to bob and weave. Bobbing and weaving are techniques to avoid punches, not just a bunch of dancing around like Muhammad Ali would have you think, who knew? Portman decided to show his bobbing and weaving to the Red Queen. She tried to kick him in the groin but ended up hitting him in the eye socket instead. Portman was stunned for a moment. That ended the bobbing and weaving in the kitchen. My shadow boxing is excellent. My coach says I am ready to spar at any gym as long as they pair me with a beginner.

Languages: Uh.... this one is not going so well. I impressed Little B when I quoted the French phrase for never open when hot, Until I told him its printed on every radiator cap. I am still hopeful I will get around to those learn Italian cassette tapes we bought years ago. I am saving an old tape deck for the occasion. You have to shake your head when your procrastination is so bad that technology outgrows the ability perform the original the task. RQ bought some Italian lessons on CD, Those are gathering dust as well. Maybe CD players will become obsolete before we get around to listening to those.

Guitar: I learned Purple Haze today, a lifelong dream. I still really stink at Guitar. I dressed up as The Edge for Halloween at work, only to find out 9 out of 10 people don't know who the Edge is (Guitarist for U2). Where have people been? Under a rock. Oh, I know, they have been staring at their Smart Phones.

Golf: I had my second hole in one this year, This time it was light out and 5 people witnessed it. I also shot under par for 9 holes, no witnesses for this one either. I am still only one proper swing thought away from the Senior tour.

Fitness: Cyclocross season is going well. I am pretty much over the fear that I am going to crash on every tricky turn.. and no one is scared I am going to end up on the podium.

Seven Turns

A friend had told me about a mountain biking trail at the base of one of the finger lakes. I had recollections of him calling it Seven Sisters ( I pity the parents)...but I wasn't quite sure the conversation even took place.

Scouring the Strava and Garmin web sites for MTB trails at the base of any finger lake was fruitless. An email to the owner of a local bike shop (who I had recollected organized this mythical ride) resulted in no reply. An initial email to the guy who I thought I remembered talking to yielded a kickback email saying the recipient no longer exists. One more try to another email I found for the guy and Voila. He said, "Yes its called the Seven Turns and its a slice of heaven and it at the base of Honeoye Lake". I was jubilant in realizing I was not crazy (If you know me you realize, This is often debatable).

I had the occasion to try the trail. Its nuts. It features 1.3 miles of climbing at an average grade of 14%. To put that in perspective, tour deFrance riders consider 6-8% hard. This is off road which makes it even harder. Well I made it to the top and you get rewarded with a nice view. The decent is nothing short of harrowing. 25 mph off road feels like 45 mph on a road bike. Squeezing the hydraulic disc brakes as hard as I can with one finger. Fortunately I survived the decent. Next adventure...hang gliding .

14% for 1.3 miles.uugh

The Payoff