Tales from department store dressing rooms

The RQ has been taking me out shopping for clothes lately...My favorite thing..I can race a half ironman triathlon but I cant seem to stay standing up for 5 minutes at the Gap. Our first trip was to K-mart where she was shopping for 'boyfriend shorts'. I dont know who her boyfriend is and why she wants to wear his shorts but she calls the shots as you know. I was standing outside the dressing room at K-mart waiting for her redness to emerge to show me her shorts when a guy comes out wearing the horrendous pants shown above. Now they may look like jeans but they are flannel lounge pant. All the features are screen printed on. The guy had a little gut and was wearing a sleeve less shirt. As he was cinching them up to his gut and asking his female companion what she thought I started to witness this train wreck and just couldn't stop staring. He catches me staring and looks me straight in the eye and says "Are you F...ing kidding me are you gay or something". I guess he thought I was checking him out. He goes back into the dressing room and as he comes out he says to his significant other. Did you see that, that F..ing gay guy was checking me out. As the RQ and I went to the checkout counter she wanted to go into the same line as this guy and I moved her over to another line and hid behind a Vogue magazine so as not to be seen. She asked why we couldn't go in that line and I said I would have to explain later... the telling her I am really secretly gay was the real hard part. Just kidding again...kids if your reading this. Although some people I know do have their suspicions

The next event was when I was shopping for some new pants. All my old pants are way too baggy on me. I went to express and found some nice slim cut pants and took them into the dressing room. The sales lady who opened the door to the room said to me "Oh sir these pants are quite slim fitting  let me get you a looser pair. WHAT!  Hey I work out dammit and I am wearing my skinny jeans. Which does not go a long way to disproving the conclusion of the former paragraph.

This is all true...Cant make this stuff up!

And you thought you had a bad job...

I came home today after being henpecked at work for the billionth time (at one point someone apologized for being picky) I was told by the RQ that one of our dogs had to have its anal gland expressed by the Vet. Now given my job does not involve expelling canine anal glands...makes me feel like my job doesn't suck that bad.. but not by much...I jest of course. I love my job ...boss if your reading this..

In god we trust ... all others bring data

Burning Sugar

I am not sure what got me started on this odyssey but somehow in my head I decided I was going to make gooey caramel sauce from scratch. It may have been all those amazing posts over at Together Cooking, or maybe I am jealous that Cream Puff is studying to be a chef or maybe it was the tooth breaking pie bottom we served to my in laws. Whatever the reason, when I get a burr up my butt to accomplish something, there is nothing stopping me except the laws of physics maybe, they keep getting rewritten anyway. I think in some endeavors I may have discovered the god particle along the way and dismissed it as insignificant because my original goal had not been obtained (See I am Marwe Post).

Attempt 1: Google recipe, try it to the letter. Pour caramel over ice cream and break a tooth, make appointment with dentist.

Ask Cream Puff: She says you just have to not stir it.Find out there is a wet and dry method for doing this. She gives me a wet method recipe.

Attempt 2: Ask the local baker who attended the CIA. She says yes there is a secret you must use lemon juice, it breaks up the crystallization. This one I burn but it sets up so hard I have to pour boiling water over the pan to free up the meltdown. Seems lemon juice is not the secret after all.

Attempt 3: Google again "what is the secret to gooey caramel sauce". This time I get a dry method recipe. This one works. The god particle will have to wait.

Hanging in There..barely

Here I am shown hanging from a rock at the Garden of the Gods State Park in Colorado Springs Colorado. The devastating forest fires were burning a few miles from this location only days after this picture was taken. I told cream puff not to throw that lit cigarette out the Prius window as we were driving out of town. Just kidding...I still wonder why she carries a lighter through..

I am going to attempt to explain the real reason these fires occurred. The nation is experiencing the driest hottest summer in history due to the effects of global warming. Why do we have global warming, I ask, as I bicycle to work (on a single speed ) getting passed by god damn Lincoln Globalwarminateors. Well we have global warming because of all the rich people driving their SUVs and flying their lear jets and living in their 50,000 sq ft homes and outsourcing there work to China (Which is emitting more CO2 due to lax regulations). ....But there is an easy solution

One can build a home heated by geothermal energy and install solar or wind energy. Use said generated electric power to charge an electric car, buy a Tesla if you need to act all rich and such. Then you would be not be using a single drop of fossil fuel to power you luxurious life. This could be accomplished by the people who can most afford it. Say $15K for the geothermal and another $40K for the solar and the car costs about $10K more than a gas guzzler. Total bill $65K and you get 30% tax rebate and 20% NY State credits. Then you get to save $5K a year forever on your fuel costs. And not put any CO2 into the atmosphere. Do you think the people building $1M homes think about the $65K they could spend to help the planet, nope they think about how big a screen can I fit into my Home Theater room and how many garage bays do I need to fit all my CO2 emitting gas guzzlers (Boat, $100K Sports Car etc). Were not thinking clearly here people...

Is cycling cheaper than driving?

If I asked you if driving a car more or less expensive than riding a bicycle? What would be your answer? A car is more expensive you would say, way more..and you would be wrong. To finish the job of bruising your ego I will present mathematical proof...or perhaps I am providing proof of how big a geek I am. Ether way here goes.

First the easy part.
My car gets 30 mpg, gasoline costs $4 a gallon.
My car costs 7.5 miles per dollar. 

Now the deceiving part
Gasoline contains 31,000 kCal of energy.
I can ride my bike 20 miles and burn about 800 calories
That's the gasoline equivalent of about 775 miles per gallon. Cheap right!

Wrong!
Food costs $0.75 per 200 kCal. Gas is a whopping $0.025 per 200kCal.
So (20 miles/800 kCal) * (200kCal/$0.75) = 6.6 miles per dollar. Less mileage than a car per dollar. See I really am a geek. If you check my math your a bigger geek than me.