Were Sorry

I have taken up a new hobby of Telemark skiing. Since I want to be as safe as possible I wanted releasable telemark bindings in the unlikely event I may fall. Turns out only one manufacture in the world makes such a device. The only place I could find them was in France. I was a little apprehensive about ordering something over the internet from Europe, paying in Euros and having it shipped from France. My apprehensions were unfounded. The company immediately shipped the bindings and it took 2 days to get them to Rochester. Then it took DHL 3 days to get them from the Rochester Airport to my house. What tripped them up was the shipper in France put Honeoye vs Honeoye Falls on the outside of the package (the zip code was correct). Never the less the delivery guy felt obliged to get in the face of and lecture the Red Queen on using the correct address. Like she has some control over this. Furious,  I called DHL customer service and they said quote "Were Sorry". When I pressed them about what they were going to do about it, they just said they are going to tell me "were sorry". That is not sufficient  I said, I want you to reprimand the delivery guy, refund my shipping Euros and offer me a free trip to Hawaii on the next cargo jet out of Rochester..and call me with a report on the resulting shame bestowed upon the Rochester DHL staff. The customer service person proceeded to tell me that they could not make outgoing calls from the service center.. and once again they were sorry. "Off with their heads"

Three Fifty Eight Low

This time they got the spelling right

As avid followers of this blog you will know, Buttery Sticks has been featured frequently in blog posts. Its not that we are biased in any way, but he has just created the most interesting and funny moments in our lives that we just have to celebrate them by making them public. Passing out in our kitchen Buttery Drip, inventor of the famous "Purple Drank", Winning the Ivy League indoor mile championship Face Full of Celebration, getting 'chicked' at his first pro 5K Buttery Sticks Gets Chicked (Portman took a beating from Mrs P for that post. Once again we apologize). Having his name mispelled You Made it to the Bigs.  Well, The Stick has done it again. Running his first sub 4 mile at the BU Valentine Invite. He not only beat 4 minutes, but shattered it by 1.75 seconds. Running what was referred to by Lil B as "a three fifty eight low". This makes him one of only 439 Americans to ever accomplish the sub 4 mile.  History of US sub four minute milers. Pretty rarefied air.  Great Job Buttery Sticks! Now go get some purple drank so you don't pass out again.
 
How to Make The Face would like to congratulate Carrot Chopper for her Oscar nomination of best director in the category "Best animated short featuring a flatulent clothespin" for "Portman the Movie". We wish her luck on Sunday.

You made it to the Bigs

You finally made it to the Big Time!  You have been dreaming about this your whole life. The anticipation is palpable...and they misspell your name.

These guys are good

This guy hits it a mile...

This guy has a case full of trophies..

This guy has magic wands in his bag

...and this guy goes to strip clubs, gets falling down drunk, is picked up off the street by homeless people, then lies about it!

Coming in 2015...

Download video here

Are you Roasted?

Finished Product

I recently discovered that some religions don't allow their followers to drink coffee. In my world, coffee is the religion. In an attempt to make himself more hip Portman has taken to wearing skinny jeans, commuting on a single speed bike and roasting his own coffee as well as playing his Fender through a tube amp. However, a few developments have ensued. The RQ has since banned Portman from wearing the skinny jeans due to visible outlines of certain (and will be unmentioned ) appendages. The winter weather has curtailed the bicycle commuting and the Guitar is actually being played through a computer simulated tube amp. However, the coffee roasting is for real.

Most of my friends have greeted this announcement with the following sentiment "Are you crazy?" Although the answer is a definitive yes, roasting coffee is actually very easy. It takes about 10 minutes to roast a half pound, the finished coffee costs less than half of good pre-roasted beans and the flavor and freshness are unmatched. So what are you waiting for ..lets get roasting!

Roasting Chamber Repurposed Whirlypop popcorn popper

Only the finest single Origin will do

Lifes goals updated

Martial Arts: I have been training with a boxing coach, among other things I learned how to bob and weave. Bobbing and weaving are techniques to avoid punches, not just a bunch of dancing around like Muhammad Ali would have you think, who knew? Portman decided to show his bobbing and weaving to the Red Queen. She tried to kick him in the groin but ended up hitting him in the eye socket instead. Portman was stunned for a moment. That ended the bobbing and weaving in the kitchen. My shadow boxing is excellent. My coach says I am ready to spar at any gym as long as they pair me with a beginner.

Languages: Uh.... this one is not going so well. I impressed Little B when I quoted the French phrase for never open when hot, Until I told him its printed on every radiator cap. I am still hopeful I will get around to those learn Italian cassette tapes we bought years ago. I am saving an old tape deck for the occasion. You have to shake your head when your procrastination is so bad that technology outgrows the ability perform the original the task. RQ bought some Italian lessons on CD, Those are gathering dust as well. Maybe CD players will become obsolete before we get around to listening to those.

Guitar: I learned Purple Haze today, a lifelong dream. I still really stink at Guitar. I dressed up as The Edge for Halloween at work, only to find out 9 out of 10 people don't know who the Edge is (Guitarist for U2). Where have people been? Under a rock. Oh, I know, they have been staring at their Smart Phones.

Golf: I had my second hole in one this year, This time it was light out and 5 people witnessed it. I also shot under par for 9 holes, no witnesses for this one either. I am still only one proper swing thought away from the Senior tour.

Fitness: Cyclocross season is going well. I am pretty much over the fear that I am going to crash on every tricky turn.. and no one is scared I am going to end up on the podium.

Seven Turns

A friend had told me about a mountain biking trail at the base of one of the finger lakes. I had recollections of him calling it Seven Sisters ( I pity the parents)...but I wasn't quite sure the conversation even took place.

Scouring the Strava and Garmin web sites for MTB trails at the base of any finger lake was fruitless. An email to the owner of a local bike shop (who I had recollected organized this mythical ride) resulted in no reply. An initial email to the guy who I thought I remembered talking to yielded a kickback email saying the recipient no longer exists. One more try to another email I found for the guy and Voila. He said, "Yes its called the Seven Turns and its a slice of heaven and it at the base of Honeoye Lake". I was jubilant in realizing I was not crazy (If you know me you realize, This is often debatable).

I had the occasion to try the trail. Its nuts. It features 1.3 miles of climbing at an average grade of 14%. To put that in perspective, tour deFrance riders consider 6-8% hard. This is off road which makes it even harder. Well I made it to the top and you get rewarded with a nice view. The decent is nothing short of harrowing. 25 mph off road feels like 45 mph on a road bike. Squeezing the hydraulic disc brakes as hard as I can with one finger. Fortunately I survived the decent. Next adventure...hang gliding .

14% for 1.3 miles.uugh

The Payoff

Buttery Sticks Makes Pro Debut...Gets Chicked

Buttery Sticks made his much anticipated pro debut Sunday and prominently got chicked by his teammate. He knew the competition would be tough at the pro ranks..he just didn't know it would come from the womens field. Well buttery sticks .. in the words of Dr. Renee Richards..If you cant beat em join em.

Make the Face releases killer phone App

The hype is true. This is being hailed as the biggest thing since Steve Jobs announced the first iPhone. We here at Make the Face have created a new phone application available immediately for all phone platforms, it even works on old dumb phones. The cost of the app is free and its benefits are priceless.

The app prevents all texts and phone calls from reaching you while you are driving a vehicle. Only the drivers phone will be disabled and it is 100% reliable. You can even still text and make facebook updates while you are riding your mountain bike or skydiving. As a side benefit the app also increases your battery life. The app is compatible with all cell phones and all vehicles manufactured since 1900.

The app can be found at the following sites
iPhone: http://support.apple.com/kb/ht1430
Android: Android Text Block App
Dumb Phones: Dumb Phone App

My Transportation

I have a very cool vehicle which I use to get to and from work in the summer
Here are the specs

Chassis: Monocoque Carbon Fiber
Transmission: 20 speed manual with paddle shifters
Tires: Continental Race
MPG: Infinite

Top speed: 45 mph
Horsepower: Rider dependent


 Figured it out yet

The commutin Rig

Sunrise Over the Genesee River

Others may need a fancy BMW or Mercedes to get their arse to work in the morning but Portman prefers to use his quads...and he gets to experience the beautiful scenes as shown above.

Editorial retraction: Lil B does not like it when we mention the outline of his junk. maketheface.com will never mention the outline of his junk again.

lil B runs on smoked butt

Editorial note: Since lil' B was inexplicably left out of the the last post. Again our apologies to lil' B. We will feature him in this post.

lil B running in Upstate New York

Photo Credit: Carrot Chopper

Lil B is prepping for his final collegiate cross country season. On Sunday he does a long run of 14 miles. It helps to have the gorgeous country side of Western New York to make the miles go by, He is usually accompanied on a bike by either his nutritionist Carrot Chopper or his personal chef RQ. Today's workout was fueled and recovered using the smoked pork butt prepped by Portman (see previous post). Lil B is shown wearing his compression shorts which are loved by everyone who enjoys seeing the exact outline of his junk.

Togther Smoking

***Editors update:Our sincere apologies to lil B' he was originally left out of the roll call at the end of the post. He was in attendance and his name has been rightly added to the list.

Its a Saturday in August and its time to smoke some butt.

...not that kind of smokin

...and not that kind of butt

We are talking Pork Butt. Dry rub plenty of chipotle seasoning salt pepper, ground cloves onto a bone in pork shoulder to get it ready for its 5 hour smoke in the Weber

...

Here is the Weber a' Smokin with Hickory Chips soaked in water placed directly on the coals.

Here is whats going on inside. Indirect heat for 5 hours. Keep the damper cracked to maintain 300 deg F. I had to add fresh hardwood lump charcoal once at the 3 hour mark. Are your eyes getting dry from the smoke!

The finished pulled pork ready for a butter toasted bun. This was enjoyed by P<;, the RQ, Buttery Sticks, Lil B', Carrot Chopper***, Mr ODR and Mrs Prozak***. Sides of fresh slaw and potato salad accompanied.

 ***Note: Carrot Chopper does not eat animal products so she smoked a Tempe instead. Mrs Prozak does not eat animal products or drink alcohol, except when she does, which was not this evening.

Team BTG

Team "BTG" (Authors note: I wanted to call the team the cold showers, for reasons we wont get into here, but I was out voted) anyway we kicked everyone's butt in the Tour de OCD. Who would think 3 old guys would crush the youthful competition. But when you have Mr. ODR who hops into ultra trail marathons on a whim and B-Rad who bikes to work then bikes at work then bikes home...and the Manic Portless man who bikes 50 miles commuting to work (I am not exaggerating) on a single speed, its lights out for the competition!